Sturgeon: England has no need to fear my reign of fire and blood

By Nicola Sturgeon, leader of the Scottish National Party

THE SNP is the third largest party in the UK, and a dominant political force. Yes Keir, it is possible.

Some say this will cause the biggest constitutional crisis since the abdication. But I say to English voters that, as long as they do not value their lives in any way, they have nothing to fear.

Certainly we will seek concessions from the government in power, whether on Trident, handing over your children to work in our call centres, or health spending.

And while we continue to pursue a second independence referendum, the rolling terror of the next five years which will reduce England to a silent, empty land of ragged ghosts, means it will not be a priority.

The face of British politics is changing and my face – flecked with blood and riding a battle stag as I order Hadrian’s Wall rebuilt with skulls – only reflects that.

Together we can make Britain better, as long as you agree that anywhere is better without the English.

Have a lovely day.

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Using words too complicated

USING language to express ideas is far too much trouble, it has been agreed.

With ‘emojis’ increasingly replacing words, many people are now going a step further and returning to a pre-language, animalistic existence.

Professor Henry Brubaker, from the Institute for Studies,  said: “If we all stopped using words, think how much time it would free up for 10-pin bowling.

“What’s the point of knowing fancy words like ‘silhouette’ and ‘caravan’ when we could simply express ourselves by grabbing our genitals.

“Most conversations are rubbish anyway. My mouth hurts now. Go away.”