Thank goodness women can't vote, says Johnson

BORIS Johnson is relieved that women still do not have the vote, it has emerged.

After being accused of extreme sexual harassment, Johnson claimed it was fortunate only men were allowed to vote in elections, ‘otherwise there might be trouble’.

He said: “There was talk of  women voting a few years ago, but then everyone agreed it was a terrible idea which was, I think, the right decision. There’s a lot of angry ladies out there.”

Woman Emma Bradford said: “Like everyone else I assumed he was someone who understood and respected women. I’m sure that grabbing the thigh of a female journalist was all about empowerment.”

Isobel Young added: “I would vote for him, but only because he called the female journalist a liar.”

Johnson added: “Some angry women are still very attractive.”

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Vaping carries long-term risk of vaporisation

USERS of vapour cigarettes have a significant chance of being vapourised themselves.

Electrical feedback causes users to become negatively charged over time, resulting in a short circuit which completely vapourises the body and leaves only a pair of smoking shoes.

Joanna Kramer of Blackpool said: “One minute my husband was sucking on his stupid e-cigarette, the next moment there was a blinding flash and he was nothing but a dissipating column of ions.

“If I’d known this would happen I would have kept him on the fags. At least with cancer you get a few months’ warning.”

Similar events are being reported around the country, with taxis suddenly left driverless and nightclub doors unmanned as vapers vanish, leaving only the haunting odour of liquorice, vanilla or Hawaiian Fruit Punch on the wind.

Scientist Dr Helen Archer said: “Given what we know, it’s possible that if two charged vapers came into physical contact the resulting implosion would probably destroy a town the size of Portsmouth.

“There’s little chance of that, however, because vapers are solitary people who prefer the narcotic kiss of machine-delivered nicotine to the touch of a human.”