The Mash guide to the next prime minister

VINCE Cable says it could be him, Boris Johnson thinks it should be him, and Rupert Murdoch has already decided it will be Michael Gove.

But what are the odds on Britain’s next leader?

– Vince Cable, the ballroom-dancing Lib Dem leader right about the financial crisis and wrong about everything ever since. Poised to ride an anti-Brexit popularity surge all the way into government, where only two years ago he was ineffectual and shit. 100/1

– Boris Johnson, the charismatic former Dulux dog once funny on Have I Got News For You who has surely milked that dry. As an architect of Brexit, Johnson hopes becoming prime minister will delay his eventual trial, imprisonment and execution. 9/2

– Jeremy Corbyn, marrow-fixated Labour leader popular with the young, the middle-class and the hugely fucked-over. Kind-eyed, avuncular communist Jeremy must wait until the 2022 election to take power, unless armed revolution is easier. 11/2

– Jacob Rees-Mogg, cruel East End orphanage-owner whose hobbies include rubbing his hands together, sinister laughs and country jaunts on the velocipede. If appointed, would insist on all Parliamentary business and Brexit talks being conducted in Latin. 20/1

– Tony Blair, returning to his signature role like Stallone did in Rocky Balboa and Creed, would forge a new party from the ashes of Labour and the Tories, stop Brexit, restore prosperity, return public spending to mid-00s levels and then go and invade Iraq again. 50/1

– Some Tory you’ve never heard of, chosen by MPs as leader on the basis that the public does not hate them yet and they cannot be worse than Theresa May. Evens

– Someone who actually has a fucking clue, an option much-requested among the electorate but yet to find favour among the political classes. 1,000/1

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Pathetic excuse for man only runs half marathon

A FEEBLE loser has announced plans to run a pathetic 13 miles to derision from his friends, family and colleagues. 

27 year-old Tom Logan declared his intention to run a half marathon to ashamed loved ones who cannot understand why he is humiliating himself, and them, like this.

Wife Clare Logan said: “I’m standing by Tom. Even though he’s only half a man.

“What I say is that he’s challenging prejudices, that there’s nothing wrong with running a half marathon, and that I’m proud of him, even though I’m dying inside.

“Clearly it’s mortifying to see your husband debase himself like this when everyone else’s is doing the full 26.2, but I suppose at least he felt he could be honest with me rather than sneaking off and doing it in the dead of night.

“I just wish he’d do it dressed as a sausage, so nobody would know.”

Colleague Stephen Malley said: “He’s asking for sponsor money. Can you imagine? I don’t hand over a tenner to someone who’s given up before he’s started.

“After 13 miles he shouldn’t even be out of breath.”