Kim Jong-un totally disarmed by cutesy nickname

KIM Jong-un and his North Korean regime have been completely disarmed by his friendly new nickname of ‘Rocket Man’, it has emerged. 

Kim was given the nickname by President Trump, who repeated it in yesterday’s UN speech, and admitted that it has really boosted his self-esteem.

He said: “All my life I’ve felt like just one more Kim.

“Trump may have threatened to totally destroy my country but he also gave me the respect of a cool nickname relating to my favourite hobby of testing intercontinental ballistic missiles, which made me feel warm inside.

“I am Rocket Man now. I’m an individual who’s earned respect from his peers on his own merits, and it feels special.

“I will cover the whole of North Korea in nuclear missiles, aimed at every country in the world, so everybody will remember my new name.

“And of course regular launches. I’m Rocket Man!”

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Best laid plans of mice and men 'f**ked up by Ryanair'

THE classic Rabbie Burns poem about the ‘best laid schemes o’ mice an’ men’ has been amended to make it clear that it is Ryanair that ruins them. 

The famous line in To a Mouse was updated following the budget airline’s cancellation of flights for 250,000 passengers on the grounds that they ‘no longer felt like it’. 

Professor Helen Archer of Edinburgh University said: “It isn’t God, or happenstance, or man’s hubris that causes our best laid schemes to ‘gang aft agley’. It’s fucking Ryanair. 

“Whether you’re flying out for a fortnight away, trying to get 60 guests to your wedding, or merely taking the kids for that Disneyland trip they’ve been excited about since February, Ryanair can and will ruin it all. 

“They insist their own regulations are followed to the absolute letter, while happily leaving you stranded in the Algarve because they’ve ballsed up their holiday rota. 

“You can’t even boycott them because they run all the routes everywhere. They are the devil.” 

Rabbi Lionel Hirschberg said: “We Jews have our own saying: ‘Man plans, Ryanair laughs.’”