The opium kicked in, Rees-Mogg admits

JACOB Rees-Mogg has admitted that he only lay down on a Commons front bench because the opium had seriously hit. 

The Leader of the Commons apologised to fellow Tories for sprawling on a bench, slipping out of consciousness and vomiting into a sterling silver bucket during a crucial vote, confessing that he had packed his pipe too tightly.

He continued: “I’d taken a tincture of pharmaceutical cocaine before my speech, to give me the eloquence of Cicero, so I prepared a pipe of the poppy to calm my spirits afterwards.

“Unfortunately the sly Chinaman who brings my medicine up the Thames by junk failed to warn me of its unusual strength, and I found myself quite overcome.

“As a gentleman does I reclined and allowed the terrible visions – snakes, sodomites, a Conservative MP crossing the floor entirely because of me – to writhe and twist before my repose.

“I am now perfectly recovered. Tell me, how did last night’s vote transpire? I trust my dark imagining of a loss by 27 votes was naught but an opium dream?”

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The Rees-Mogg guide to making your own medicine

ON THURSDAY June 26th 2016 the UK voted, quite rightly, against keeping supply lines open for life-saving medicines, so it’s time to start making your own. Try these: 

Currently used for mild aches and pains, post-Brexit paracetamol is the anaesthetic of choice for major surgery. Concoct your own by simply mixing two parts home-brewed scrumpy to three parts chalk and allowing to dry.

A common anti-anxiety drug that cheers up ordinary folk like you – hence ending with ‘lol’ – can be easily replaced by strong coffee, a dab of locally sourced amphetamine and a television showing the delightful Only Fools & Horses. For serious cases put two televisions side-by-side.

Evorel HRT patches
Hormone replacement therapy patches are already in short supply, but teenagers are brimming with hormones. Menopausal woman can simply gather in packs, hunt down teenage girls and siphon them. Perfectly normal stuff.

This drug is vital for sufferers of heart disease, frequently red-faced over-eaters who drink heavily and vote Conservative. No shortage can be countenanced. Supplies will be flown in whatever the cost. These voters are the UK’s most precious resource.

Who could need an anti-depressant when we’re free from the shackles of EU bureaucracy and our country is our own again? We’ll all be happy all the time on our invincible island of joyous citizens mixing scrumpy and speed to try and approximate their usual medication.