The Torch Has Been Passed To A New Generation Of Public School Nancy Boys

BRITAIN’S long, national nightmare was over last night as the nation was once again placed in the safe, reliable hands of some vaguely effeminate public school boys.

After three years of being governed by a rough, nasty boy from a state school who shouted at everyone and didn’t like custard, Britain wakes up today knowing it could introduce both the prime minister and deputy prime minister to its parents without having to endure an uncomfortable silence as they realised they had nothing in common.

David Cameron met a visibly relieved Queen shortly after 8pm, accepting her invitation to form a government of gentlemen before laughing their heads off about how Gordon Brown used to say ‘tea’ instead of ‘supper’.

Minutes later the new prime minister spoke to the nation outside Number 10, peeing gently into his trousers while his glowing wife Samantha stood behind him wearing the smile of someone at a summer drinks party who has just turned round to see a demented rhinoceros thundering across the lawn.

The coalition deal was finally sealed yesterday evening during a hastily arranged phone call between David Cameron and Nick Clegg where they compared notes on the daughters of minor aristocrats that they had felt up at charity balls in the 1980s.

The prime minister’s spokesman said: “We knew we had a workable, four year deal when David and Nick both realised they had probably fingered the Hon. Charlotte Brampton during the same Henley Regatta.”

The new administration started work immediately as Downing Street released the first round of cabinet appointments including Binky, Pinky, Ponky, Porky, Splodger, Dodger, Bodger, Badger, Fishy Frobisher, good old Charlie Two-Yachts and Vince Cable.

Last night a Treasury source insisted Mr Cable and the new chancellor Binky Osborne were already working well together, adding: “They’re even finishing each other’s sentences. Of course the sentence does completely change its meaning half way through and ends up making no sense whatsoever, but they are at least sharing the same sentence. And that’s historic.”

But across Britain there were mixed feelings as the Labour Party relinquished power, with some wondering whether they would ever hate anyone quite as much again, while others welcomed a new set of characters they could make anonymous online death threats against.

Tom Logan, from Finsbury Park, said: “I don’t think I’ll ever forget watching an unemployed Peter Mandelson being interviewed on the BBC, filled to the brim with bitterness and defeat. I was so happy I very nearly shat myself.”

He added: “I’m now heading over to the Guardian website to watch those fuckers squirm.

“Toodle pip!”

 

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Toddlers Banned From Eating Each Other

NURSERY school children will no longer be allowed to bite chunks out of each under new rules introduced today.

The scheme is part of a healthy eating campaign which hopes to reduce the amount of cholesterol-rich human flesh in the diet of Britain’s under-fives.

Helen Archer, a nursery nurse from Grantham, said: “This is long overdue. Just last week I woke little Kyle Stephenson after his nap time and he burped up a big toe.

“When I asked him what he’d done he just giggled and pointed to an empty set of dungarees.

“When we looked in his lunch box there was a Munch Bunch yoghurt and a Silence Of The Lambs interactive pop-up book. Ever since we’ve been wheeling him around strapped to a trolley. I’d blame his parents but I’m pretty sure he’s eaten them.”

Dietitian Wayne Hayes said: “Toddler is not a lean meat by any means, and can be best described as a bit like belly pork with a faint tang of Monster Munch. That said, it’s probably no worse for you than anything you can buy in Iceland.â€

Staff will be asked to look out for tell-tale signs of attempted pupil consumption, such as smearing squeezy cheese on playmates or adding vegetable stock to the paddling pool.

Exceptions will be made on children’s birthdays, when they will be able to indulge in a game of ‘Blind Man’s Cannibal’.

But mother of eight Gemma Bradford said: “I’m not have some nanny state do-gooder telling me who my children can and cannot eat. I ate loads of other children when I was a child and it never did me any harm.

“As soon as the council fits that extra-wide door I’ll be down there on my mobility scooter to give them a piece of that spongey thing that’s inside my head.”