The Tory guide to nasty policies you secretly know voters like

ARE you baffled by how the government can keep getting away with nasty, mean-spirited behaviour? Here Conservative MP Denys Finch Hatton explains how it works.

We’re not trying to appeal to nice people like you

You probably think everyone is appalled by the school meals saga. Nope. Tory voters often quite like benefits claimants suffering. It’s lucky for us there are people whose take-home message from Oliver Twist was ‘Don’t be so greedy, you little shit’.

We have a large PR department known as ‘the British press’

Are you starting to think our handling of Covid is dangerous and possibly corrupt? Fortunately the bulk of Britain’s free press is ready to print Tory propaganda. I particularly enjoy the bonkers Telegraph ones, eg. ‘Why not going to Pret at lunchtime is a mental health crisis waiting to happen.’

Our not-so-secret weapon: Brexit

I’m not naive enough to think every Brexiter loves our fat wastrel of a leader, Boris Johnson. But they’ll put up with anything for Brexit. Never mind privatising the NHS, we could start executing doctors and nurses they’d go through some mental contortion like: ‘Who needs ‘em? Everyone knows most people get better on their own.’

Asylum seekers

We always get grief for cruel asylum policies, but guess what? I LOVE THESE GUYS! A few Syrians in Dover and suddenly half the UK’s going mad. Who’s getting their votes? Not Keir, that’s for sure. I’m tempted to buy a load of inflatable dinghies and stash them in bushes around Calais.

A lot of our voters are nuts 

Where to start, really? The grassroots party members obsessed with golliwogs, the Red Wall voters with a death wish, creepy fans of hanging… I’m pretty sure we could nuke Wales and these loons would be up for it, even if they live there.

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Britain urging Bake Off cast to launch coup d’etat

HAVING seen its adept handling of complex and uncertain tasks like making Battenberg cakes, the Bake Off team has been urged to immediately depose the UK government.

Fan Tom Logan said: “We need strong leaders, people who can act decisively on important issues, such as what to do when a tray of pineapple upside-down cakes is unexpectedly chucked on the floor.

“Paul Hollywood will take over from Priti Patel and be embraced by the public for his comparative warmth and approachability.

“Noel Fielding will be the new Dominic Cummings and, rather than being universally hated, will disarm political opponents with surreal commentary about wombats and cream puffs.

“Prue Leith will become Chief Medical Officer, because she has the right kind of firm headteacher vibe that the UK needs. If Prue says cream soda doesn’t belong in a cake and the pubs shut at 10pm, we’re listening.

“That crew can bring a collapsed Matcha soufflé back from the brink. Now we need them to do the same for the UK.”