Tories regret joining party full of horrible bastards

THE bitter infighting over Europe has led Conservatives to question whether it was a good idea to join a party known for being horrible to people.

After decades of animosity, some have realised there is a downside to being in a party full of arrogant bastards who enjoy seeing others suffer.

Tory member Julian Cook said: “The last thing I expected was for Tories to be nasty to me because I’m not in one of our approved hate groups like ‘hopeless dole twat’ or ‘up-themselves doctor’.

“Unfortunately we’re split into Tories who hate foreigners and Tories who hate foreigners but realise we’ll lose our jobs if we totally fuck the economy.

“Sometimes I think I should have joined the Labour party. When they fall out they just do this passive-aggressive thing where they make each other attend really boring committee meetings.”

Tory MP Donna Sheridan said: “Personal abuse is never acceptable unless it’s calling Corbyn a ‘stinky old tramp man’ or something clever and hilarious like that.

“Sometimes it’s hard to believe we’re the same party that produced lovely, warm people like Margaret Thatcher, Enoch Powell and all the ones who wanted to hang Nelson Mandela.”

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GP surgeries hoping patients either recover or drop dead while on hold

DOCTORS’ surgeries are hopeful that if they leave patients on hold for long enough they will either make a complete recovery or die.

Carolyn Ryan, receptionist at a practice in Surrey, refers to the hold button as ‘triage’ and believes their Pan-Pipe Hits of the 1980s album successfully deals with around 50 potential patients a day.

She said: “If you’re really ill, you’re willing to wait. Unless you’re too ill, in which case it’s too late.

“I believe most of our patients make a full recovery just from the restfulness of sitting watching a phone, and I know one man said the wait turned out to be the last four hours of his 24-hour flu.

“I’m very strict about not answering unless we’ve got at least 75 people in the queue. I think they teach that at medical school now.”

Emma Bradford, on hold since 8am this morning, said: “Fuck this. I’ll Google my symptoms, pick the deadliest possible outcome, then rush to A&E in a panic like last time.”