Use your own judgment over Christmas, Johnson tells country full of idiots

A PRIME minister whose position is proof that Britain makes f**king terrible decisions has told us to ‘use our own judgment’ over Christmas. 

Boris Johnson, who won an 80-seat majority from an electorate of self-destructive cretins just a year ago, has advised us to let our own dimwitted idiocy be our guide.

He continued: “If you weren’t morons, I wouldn’t be here. So I’m not about to tell you to stop now.

“I strongly advise you not to see family if at all practical, while entirely underminining my own message by making it clear you’re allowed to and I expect you to.

“Additionally, I should add that I am a notorious liar, my advice is confusing, and I can’t resist throwing in a little quip at the end to muddy waters further.”

Wayne Hayes of Cambridge said: “Good enough for me. And I judge that Covid isn’t real, this self-isolation’s bollocks, and I’m having the whole street round.”

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Mum launches business inspired by wanting to get away from her children

A MOTHER-OF-TWO has started a business of her own inspired by her experiences of having children and needing a legitimate reason to spend time away from them. 

Charlotte Phelps stopped working full time after having her second child and was immediately motivated to become an entrepreneur to force her husband to take charge of the kids at the weekend.

Phelps said: “I’d always dreamed of working for myself and when I had kids, I suddenly realised I had to do it. Like immediately.

“Once I’d had the idea to make or sell a product or service that would require long periods of time alone, I was away. Coming up with whatever it would be was a mere detail.

“So I launched my own gourmet food box delivery, and since then I’m packing ugly vegetables in the garage or updating customer spreadsheets every moment my husband’s home, and it’s absolute bliss.

“The business is going from strength to strength and people love what I’m doing, which is amazing because otherwise I’d be trapped at home with those monsters forever.”

Friend Carolyn Ryan said: “Charlotte’s business isn’t anything special, but she’s so powerfully motivated that it can’t fail. She needs to make enough profit to hire a nanny.”