Voters can f**k right off, confirms Labour

ANYONE hoping to vote for a functioning centre-left party can take a running jump, the Labour party has confirmed.

Senior Labour figures said it was ridiculous to expect them to act as a political party when they had so many fascinating internal disputes to attend to.

MP Tom Booker said: “ I don’t have time to oppose the Tories when I’m busy deciding which faction to support in a baffling row about committee rules.

“Labour voters need to stop moaning and let us get on with endlessly discussing unimpressive leadership candidates who no one will vote for anyway because they’ve got as much charisma as a carpet tile.

“We’ll get back to stuff like saving the NHS eventually, although that could take until 2025 and Britain will probably be a toxic waste dump belonging to a multinational corporation by then.”

Party member Nikki Hollis said: “I won’t accept anyone except Jeremy Corbyn as leader because I’m too young to remember if old-school CND lefties were popular the first time round.”

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Lion King still brilliant

EVERYONE has remembered how good The Lion King is.

Despite 85 per cent of the country having a copy of the Disney classic somewhere in the house, last night was the first time in ages anyone had watched it again and cried their legs off after 45 minutes.

Wayne Hayes said: “It’s really, properly good though, isn’t it? It’s like Shakespeare only better because Hamlet doesn’t have Elton John in it or a warthog that farts a lot.

“It even managed to stop the kids from breaking into next door to see if there’s any Pokemon in there for a couple of hours, which is nothing short of miraculous.”

The enduring success of the 1994 film, which follows a lion cub’s journey from annoying little shit to bone idle adolescent to de facto unelected leader of a band of killers, has prompted Disney to try and replicate its formula.

The Mongoose Potentate is an adaptation of Shakespeare’s Titus Andronicus which sees a plucky Mongoose called Bombo, learn the importance of responsibility through murder and cannibalism, with a soundtrack by Billy Joel.

Hayes said: “It sounds good, but nothing beats The Lion King for Sunday evening viewing, especially when Simba engineers having his uncle eaten alive as a warming to others.”