What's happened in Parliament this week, told via Street Fighter II

WHAT exactly has happened in Parliament this week? And would it be easier to understand if told via the medium of Street Fighter II? 

At the opening of the week Ken (Boris Johnson) was flying high. Having devastated other contenders with his unexpected Tornado Whirlwind Kick (prorogation), the blonde fighter feared nothing.

But on Monday Ken faced the united opposition of Dhalsim (Jeremy Corbyn), Chun-Li (Jo Swinson) and Zangief (Nicola Sturgeon) who unleashed a set of combos that left him reeling.

Cheering witnesses in a street market (Brexiters), next to a cage containing a flapping chicken (Kay Burley), expected Ken to use the reach of Dhalsim’s stretching limbs against him.

But the spoiled rich kid was instead hit with a Lightning Kick from Chun-Li (Philip Lee crossing the floor) then a series of spinning kicks from former ally Guile (Conservative backbenchers).

Staggering from the repeated blows, Ken attempted to perform his Rising Dragon Punch (call a general election) but only halfway through his combo was stunned by Dhalsim’s Yoga Fire move (delaying any election until after an Article 50 extension).

And then, while trying to collect himself by leaping backwards, Ken was hit by a shock Surge Fist (resignation) from former friend Ryu (brother Jo Johnson), was knocked out and a digitized voice proclaimed ‘YOU LOSE’ (the media verdict).

Ken now has no option but to insert a coin if he wishes to play further, but is not thought to have any 50p pieces (political capital) left.

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I told I'd get you back for having the big bedroom

by Jo Johnson, MP for Orpington

Dear Boris, or should I say, The Bedwetter,

We shared a room for eight years. You tortured me every day for fun and tortured me every night by wetting the bed and telling everyone it was me.

I hate you and have always hated you. Just because you were the older brother you thought you should have everything bigger and better than me.

Like when you got a Chopper bike for Christmas and I got your old Budgie, because posh people treat their children worse than the servants, and you raced on ahead and made me cry.

And then when I caught up with you and your friends you said I was an orphan boy who followed you around and I cried even more.

Then so as I wouldn’t tell Daddy you swore, you pinky swore on Margaret Thatcher’s life that I would get the bigger bedroom next year.

Then on your birthday you put all your things in the bigger room and bagsied it, and that night I swore revenge. I swore I would take the thing you wanted most in all the world and break it.

So yes, I’m resigning from your government in the national interest, because it is in Britain’s interest not to be run by a fat, flatulent, penknife-thieving liar who fancied Susan Traherne and went all red and tried to deny it but definitely did.

Enjoy your final days in office, by which I mean the weekend,