Man marries woman he doesn't fancy to be polite

A BRITISH man has married a woman he is not attracted to out of sheer British politeness. 

Julian Cook tied the knot with fiancée Emma Bradford despite having never really had that much of a thing for her and actually preferring her sister if anything.

He said: “Emma’s lovely. She’s just not my type.

“I like a curvy woman and Emma’s tall and pointy and pinched in the face, but I was brought up to be respectful and considerate and respect women’s wishes, so I felt it was bad-mannered not to propose.

“I’ve never had a boner for her, and the wedding night sh*g was a terrible let-down, but at least I’ve not been rude.

“Apparently sex pretty much stops now anyway, so that’s a bit of a boost.”

Bradford said: “I don’t want children but I think Julian does and it seems brusque to ask. So I suppose we’d better start.”

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Parents full of sh*t, kids discover

CHILDREN have discovered their parents are total bullshitters who lie to them daily.

Surveys of three- to nine-year-olds found that mums and dads wilfully about everything from sweet availability to the games on their phones being broken.

Five-year-old Tom Logan said: “Mummy said she couldn’t push me on the swing because ‘her arm was broken’ but then she used that arm to put three bottles of wine into the trolley at Morrisons.

“Two days before she said the soft play was closed but there were kids in it as we went past, and she claims to love Daddy even though she’s always horrible to him.

“Also I was told that school would be great fun and I’d have lots of friends. Nobody mentioned the girl on my bench weeing herself because she wasn’t allowed a Capri-Sun.

“I’m now starting to doubt whether the Queen really did want to borrow my recorder for three months.

“I don’t know anything any more.”