‘Who needs MPs?’ says UKIP

UKIP have responded to the Stoke by-election defeat by saying they do not need MPs because everyone does what they want anyway. 

Leader Paul Nuttall admitted he only ran in Stoke Central to be polite, and the party will continue to achieve all its aims through its online army of fanatics and its weird friends in the media.

He said: “Who wants to be an MP anyway? I don’t. I’m already an MEP and I do fuck all.

“You don’t get political power at the ballot box these days. You get it by convincing the other parties that people who post things to Facebook in the middle of the night are a mass movement whose every word must be obeyed.

“Look at Labour. Look at the Tories. Neither of them wanted Brexit but now they’re both fighting about who backs it the most, while we’ve got one MP that we don’t even speak to anymore.

“Parliament. Load of bollocks. Even Theresa May knows that.”

Nuttall added: “I’m glad I’ll never see Stoke again. Though obviously that’d be no different if I’d won.”

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Guardian reveals how to cook the perfect meth

THE Guardian has published a guide to cooking quick, but delicious crystal meth for a casual Friday night get-together.

Food writer Carolyn Ryan said: “Methamphetamine is becoming very popular, but for first-time cooks, it’s hard to know where to start.

“Now you can set up a professional-looking meth lab in your own kitchen, using natural, ethically-sourced ingredients that won’t alert the authorities.

“I tested all of these recipes to make sure they had enough kick. Rest assured, I was absolutely fucked out of my bonce.”

Guardian reader Nikki Hollis said: “Some of the ingredients were quite hard to get. I had to break into a dentist’s to get my hands on mercury amalgam, which not even Ottolenghi makes you do.

“I also substituted paint thinner for nail polish remover, but none of my friends said anything, because they were too busy staring manically at everything and nothing at the same time.”