BRITAIN is waiting with bated breath for the verdict of the few people in Stoke and Copeland who can be arsed to vote, it has been confirmed.
The leadership of the Labour Party, the value of the pound and the government’s Brexit strategy are all dependent on a handful of voters getting up, scratching their buttocks, getting dressed and deciding that they might as bloody well.
Stoke resident Tom Logan said: “It’s obviously a big deal for politics and all that. As for me, I’ve left my polling card on top of the microwave and can’t be fucked to go back.
“There will be a big fuss about Stoke on Newsnight tonight, at which point my mate Dave will say ‘Oh. Was that today?’”
Norman Steele, from Copeland, added: “It’s a bit windy, and they’re all useless anyway. But I might do it later on when I take the dog for a shit.”