New BBC Scotland channel to show English programmes with derisive Scottish commentary

A NEW BBC Scotland channel will show English period dramas with voiceovers from Scottish people calling everyone ‘bawbags’.  

The channel will repeat BBC classics showing the English at their best, from The Great British Bake-Off to Pride and Prejudice, with all original dialogue drowned out by a stream of colourful Scottish abuse.

A spokesman said: “Scotland’s top pastime has always been sneering at the English, but that’s rarely been reflected in our television programming.

“The new channel will give the English, the total wanks that they are, a pure roasting night after night.

“It’ll also have classic England football games, from Germany in ’96 to Iceland in 2016 accompanied by the sound of a thousand Scottish people laughing, as well as property shows where every valuation is met with ‘get yersel’ tae fuck’.”

The channel’s arts strand opens with Kenneth Clark’s Civilisation, in which the historian’s erudite opening monologue concludes with a man from Glasgow saying ‘what a total fanny’.

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Unhealthiest nation in Europe encouraged to watch more telly

THE BBC is to intensify its war on Scotland by giving Europe’s unhealthiest population more television to watch.

As the corporation unveiled plans for a dedicated BBC Scotland channel, exhausted Scottish GPs said that if the county becomes any more sedentary they will all close their surgeries and move to New Zealand.

A spokesman for the BMA in Scotland said: “We’ve been begging the government to shut down all the  TV transmitters and replace the satellite dishes with basketball hoops.

“Could we not use the money to buy everybody one of those big exercise balls? After a year of gentle, ball-based movement they could then try walking at a brisk pace for 20 minutes.”

Meanwhile, the BBC stressed that, as well as distracting Scotland from physical health, the channel could give licence payers in the rest of the UK an insight into everyday Scottish life.

A spokesman said: “You might really enjoy it, especially if you’re a fan of The Exorcist.