Winner of Nigel Farage lookalike contest to be announced

THE UK is waiting to find out who has won a Nigel Farage lookalike contest and will be awarded the grand prize of Britain. 

The contest was judged by a group of short-sighted elderly people on the criteria of Xenophobia, Straight-Talking Honesty, Patriotism and Faragability, with the winner made prime minister for an indefinite period.

Margaret Gerving, a retired headmistress from Guildford, said: “We can’t have Mr Farage as prime minister because it’s beneath him, so it’s up to us to choose the next best thing.

“I like the way this Boris makes things up as he goes along, that’s very Nigel, and the withering contempt he has for any facts the other side try to use against him. I can’t be doing with facts at my age.

“On the other hand this Jeremy character doesn’t have that dangerous taint of cosmopolitanism about him and he sneers very well. You can do a lot with a sneer.

“But ultimately which of them will be able to take us into a no-deal Brexit, blame everything that goes wrong on anyone who was against it, then walk away unconcerned? Come on. Who else?”

She added: “Of course he’ll only be in until the Queen takes direct rule with Farage himself as her Grand Vizier. But it’s a bit of fun.”

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'That big blonde lad called you a bunch of nonces' Hunt tells Iran

JEREMY Hunt has told Iran that the big blonde lad over there called them nonces who would not have the b*llocks to officially declare war on Britain.

The foreign secretary told Iranian diplomats that he personally had not said anything bad about them but his predecessor in the post was always bad-mouthing them, laughing at them behind their backs and dissing Allah.

He continued: “Hey, hey, these aren’t my words. I’m just neutrally reporting to you what Boris Johnson has said. Him, over there.

“And he said that the Ayatollah did it with goats, and oil’s rubbish, and Iranian cinema’s not as great as the Guardian cracks it up to be.

“And he’s going to appoint a new minister for Islamic relations and it’ll be Salman Rushdie.”