THE UK is waiting to find out who has won a Nigel Farage lookalike contest and will be awarded the grand prize of Britain.
The contest was judged by a group of short-sighted elderly people on the criteria of Xenophobia, Straight-Talking Honesty, Patriotism and Faragability, with the winner made prime minister for an indefinite period.
Margaret Gerving, a retired headmistress from Guildford, said: “We can’t have Mr Farage as prime minister because it’s beneath him, so it’s up to us to choose the next best thing.
“I like the way this Boris makes things up as he goes along, that’s very Nigel, and the withering contempt he has for any facts the other side try to use against him. I can’t be doing with facts at my age.
“On the other hand this Jeremy character doesn’t have that dangerous taint of cosmopolitanism about him and he sneers very well. You can do a lot with a sneer.
“But ultimately which of them will be able to take us into a no-deal Brexit, blame everything that goes wrong on anyone who was against it, then walk away unconcerned? Come on. Who else?”
She added: “Of course he’ll only be in until the Queen takes direct rule with Farage himself as her Grand Vizier. But it’s a bit of fun.”