You wouldn't like being socially mobile, says government

PEOPLE just become confused and upset if they rise above their existing social class, the government has claimed.

After the Social Mobility Commission was criticised for being ineffective, Theresa May argued it was cruel to make lower-class Britons have erudite conversations and learn to use cutlery.

She said: “If you give a working-class person a proper job like barrister or MP they can’t see the point of it and wonder why they aren’t repairing roads with their friends.

“They don’t enjoy dinner parties because they have to think while eating instead of staring vacantly at ITV like human cows. Also there isn’t a fight afterwards like when they go to the local windowless pub.

“What’s the point of the underclass becoming surgeons on £250,000 a year if they’re too stressed to enjoy their scratchcards and nine per cent cider?”

However she added: “If a child from a poor background is exceptionally bright and wants to go to university there’s no reason why they shouldn’t become a factory supervisor.

“People are happiest if they know their place, even if that place is the Peckham branch of Alabama Fried Chicken cleaning under the fridges at 2am.”

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David Davis pays £50m to get out of gym contract

BREXIT secretary David Davis has happily paid over £50 million to cancel his contract at Fitness First.

Davis initially attempted to walk away from his gym membership without paying a penny, demanding that he still be allowed to use the showers and juice bar ‘on an ad hoc basis’, before being reminded that he had signed up to a 24-month contract.

Following extensive negotiations, Fitness First finally agreed to release Davis from all financial obligations if he gave them £50,000,001 and withdrew his application to be Hunk Of The Month for January.

Davis said: “I’m feeling very positive about this. I’m free to enter into negotiations with other gyms, who I expect will be desperate to associate with a body like mine.

“And if no deal is forthcoming, I’ll just set up my own gym at home. I’ve seen a rowing machine for sale on Gumtree, and I can borrow Michael Gove’s dumbbells.

“I’ll call it Davy Davis’s Locker and the only music will be Dame Vera Lynn and The Best of the Eagles. “

However Davis’s home gym will remain on hold while he completes negotiations with Netflix, who have repeatedly insisted they are unable to ‘throw in’ every episode of Bergerac.