You wouldn’t like being socially mobile, says government

PEOPLE just become confused and upset if they rise above their existing social class, the government has claimed.

After the Social Mobility Commission was criticised for being ineffective, Theresa May argued it was cruel to make lower-class Britons have erudite conversations and learn to use cutlery.

She said: “If you give a working-class person a proper job like barrister or MP they can’t see the point of it and wonder why they aren’t repairing roads with their friends.

“They don’t enjoy dinner parties because they have to think while eating instead of staring vacantly at ITV like human cows. Also there isn’t a fight afterwards like when they go to the local windowless pub.

“What’s the point of the underclass becoming surgeons on £250,000 a year if they’re too stressed to enjoy their scratchcards and nine per cent cider?”

However she added: “If a child from a poor background is exceptionally bright and wants to go to university there’s no reason why they shouldn’t become a factory supervisor.

“People are happiest if they know their place, even if that place is the Peckham branch of Alabama Fried Chicken cleaning under the fridges at 2am.”