Priti Patel's latest insane ideas horrible voters will love

PRITI Patel has been criticised for a plan to put asylum seekers on Ascension Island. Here she sets out some more ideas to appeal to mad and vindictive voters. 

No massive tellies for dole scum

Cheap widescreen TVs are the standard now, so we’ll have to set up special factories to make crappy little black-and-white ones. This will be a total waste of taxpayers’ money, but Tory voters will love to imagine unemployed families squinting at a two-inch screen with painful migraines.

Universities to be replaced by National Service

Scrapping universities will delight miserable old bastards. We’ll put the money into National Service, and I’m not talking about the hippy ‘community service’ version. Ours will focus on sleeping in a freezing trench, humiliating initiation rituals and clearing live minefields with your hands and a bayonet. 

A Boris Johnson doll for every household

I’m highly dispensable so I need to stay on the right side of Boris. When hugged, this loveable compulsory gift will repeat classic Boris quotes like “Moonshot!” or “Spaff it up the wall!”. Cameras in the eyes will watch out for dissent, giggling or vandalism. 

Reeducation camps for Remainers

Remainers don’t appreciate the benefits of Brexit because they are unpatriotic and don’t just make stuff up. I propose a network of camps where they can be taught about our bright Brexit future. All we need to do now is find some tutors who can actually think of some benefits. 

Hanging 2.0 

Oh come on, it’s hard not to at least consider it. It would play incredibly well with voters who haven’t thought about the grim reality – and now could be the time to give hanging a 21st century makeover! Bungee hangings, a hanging at your wedding… these are all great ideas I am recording on my dictaphone.

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UK almost feels sympathy for students for first time in history

BRITAIN is almost feeling sorry for the plight of students for the first time since records began, it has emerged. 

While watching 18-year-olds who have got deeply in debt locked in halls of residence amid coronavirus outbreaks, Britons felt an unprecedented pang of what they were surprised to find was sympathy for the poor f**kers.

Psychologist Dr Helen Archer said: “We are witnessing a hitherto unimaginable scenario: widespread empathy for students.

“This upends a rich history, spanning generations and social strata, of writing off young people who want to study as lazy, entitled, booze-swilling, weed-smoking wastes of space who only care about protests and group sex.

“All it took was forcing teenagers who’ve never lived away from home before to face a lifetime of debt to be put under house arrest while watching phone-filmed bootlegs of sociology lectures, and suddenly it’s like they’re human.

“We expect they’ll return to being the hate figures we know and loathe as soon as they’re spotted having fun again.”

MMU student Sophie Rodriguez said: “It’s f**king awful. There’s nothing to do but learn. I can’t wait to get back to booze-swilling, weed-smoking, protesting and having group sex.”