Complaining about your cleaner, and four other signs you're a knobhead now

PEOPLE change, and one day you wake up, look in the mirror and realise you’ve become exactly what you despise. Here are the key signs: 

You are now gluten intolerant

You used to wolf down pizza and beer and practically mainlined digestive biscuits, but now you swear to everyone you meet that you ‘feel so much better’ avoiding all gluten. If casually enjoying toast is a thing of the past, so is the loveable person you once were.

You send work emails at 10pm

Remember when you used to hear the ping of an email from your boss late in the evening and wonder what kind of desperate life that person must have, how low they must have sunk, how far they had drifted from who they had dreamed of being? Now you send them.

You have signed up for a triathlon

A marathon is borderline acceptable, relentless requests for sponsorship aside, but doing a triathlon means a whole other level of training, chafing and diet chat that the world was happier without. Have a long, hard talk with yourself or just swerve into a ditch.

You complain about your cleaner

You barely used to wash yourself thoroughly, and now you feel intense irritation when the cleaner fails to descale your kettle or hoover under the sofa cushions. The fact that you justify your resentment because you are ‘paying for a service’ only makes you more of a bellend.

You regularly detox

Whether it’s from alcohol, sugar, fat or social media, anyone who regularly feels the need to detox is just trying to drain the poison from their repellent personality. Remember when you were always toxing up on booze, weed, and whatever crap was on telly after midnight? You had friends then.

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Man United awarded further penalty four days later

MANCHESTER United have been awarded a further penalty in last weekend’s match against Brighton & Hove Albion. 

United were already given a penalty after the final whistle, but following an exhaustive 96-hour VAR review referees have concluded there was a second infraction so United must take a second penalty in a game that finished at half-past two on Saturday.

Referee Chris Kavanagh said: “The referee’s decision is final. Four days late and final.

“Luckily United and Brighton meet in the Carabao Cup tonight, so we’ll briefly resume Saturday’s game for a penalty kick that will make no substantial difference to the result of a match everyone had moved on and forgotten about. It’s VAR at its absolute best.

“Would we have done the same if video had detected the ball brushing a United player’s arm? Absolutely not.”

Premier League chairman Gary Hoffman said: “This opens the door for all kinds of retrospective decisions to right footballing wrongs. Leicester winning in 2016, for one.”