Woman giving herself pep talk in mirror accidentally summons Morrissey

A WOMAN giving herself a motivational pep talk in the mirror has accidentally summoned Morrissey.

Anne Jones, 32, invoked the spirit of the former Smiths frontman while attempting confidence-boosting, self-love exercises.

She said: “I had just finished saying the words ‘you are wonderful’ for a third time, when, out of nowhere, Morrissey appeared behind me. It was horrible.”

Morrissey said: “I heard the distant sound of self-congratulatory navel gazing, and my soul was transported here.

“I had been at another engagement, ruining a barbeque by referring to the sausages as ‘burning carcasses’ and loudly threatening to leave.

“I had meant it as an empty threat, but then the faraway echo of unbridled self-indulgence was too delicious to resist.

He added: “However, I soon realised  Anne had been directing her affirmations exclusively at herself, and not at me. Ghastly.”

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Why isn't there a Twat History Month, asks twat

A TWAT has challenged the concept of Black History Month by asking why there is not one for twats like himself.

Martin Bishop feels it is wrong that black people get a whole month to celebrate a history too often overlooked when twats have also had a huge impact on world affairs.

Bishop said: “I suppose we’ll be hearing about black Crimean War nurse Mary Seacole again, but what about the twat who ordered the charge of the Light Brigade?

“What about all the twat kings, like George IV? What about our twat prime ministers? Why don’t we celebrate great British twats like Witchfinder General Matthew Hopkins?

“Twats are being being whitewashed out of history. They should cancel Black History Month and spend the money on twats. That’s not racist, I’m just standing up for my own culture.

“I want my kids to grow up knowing who designed the Austin Allegro, who invented germ warfare, and who all the stars of TOWIE are. And I believe prejudice against twats is a form of racism, because that’s the sort of twat I am.”

Bishop is currently lobbying his MP to erect a statue of Brexiter and Leave.EU-founding twat Arron Banks in his local shopping arcade, but has received no reply.