Piss-eyed Tango monster demands everyone say nice things about it

A DESPERATE, blithering fuck-up has demanded the media accurately report how unbelievably fantastic it is. 

The unnaturally fluorescent mass of insecurities, apparently incapable of understanding basic logic, told press that the real story was how incredible it was and how much everyone loved it.

The thing, which blankly opened and closed a hole in its face even when not speaking as if in an autonomous feeding reflex, was able to respond to human speech but experts believe it is simply mimicry, devoid of meaning.

BBC reporter Julian Cook said: “It appeared to answer questions, but when you read back the answers they’re nothing but a torrent of unconnected words mixed with a keening refrain of pathetic self-praise.

“We believe this creature actually feeds on adulation and has adapted to seek out high concentrations of it, but instead is now exposed to unprecedented levels of toxic criticism causing it to lash out.”

He added: “Its neediness is almost to be pitied, if it wasn’t such a contemptible sack of orange shit.”

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The Tory guide to Geordies

ARE you a Conservative politician baffled by the mysterious Geordie folk? Tory MP Norman Steele explains everything about these fascinating creatures: 

What species are Geordies?

Given their imperviousness to cold during nights out, the likely answer is that they evolved from trolls brought over by the Vikings who interbred with the subterranean Vril-Ya. Either way, not human.

What lockdown rules should Geordies be observing?

The prime minister was correct to give a confusing account of lockdown measures in the North East, because Geordies punch police horses and cannot be harmed by a tiny little virus. Once again the government’s handling of the pandemic is flawless.

Can I buy a Geordie for my kids?

A Geordie makes a lovely pet, but sadly EU so-called ‘human rights’ laws prevent you from owning one like a dog. However after Brexit the UK will observe no such standards of basic decency and you will be free to keep one in a cage with an exercise wheel and a supply of ‘parmo’.

How can I learn more about Geordies? 

Certain tamed Geordies, for example Ant & Dec or Cheryl X-Factor, can be safely observed via television. To learn more of their history there is the acclaimed documentary Auf Wiedersehen, Pet.

Is it safe to go to Newcastle upon Tyne?

No. But seriously, Newcastle has many of the features of modern society including roads and a ‘university’ similar in principle to Oxford. Learn a few phrases, although ‘Hadaway an’ shite’ will cover most situations.

What is the difference between Geordies and ‘Mackems’?

Mackems are probably shorter and have large webbed feet, like aquatic hobbits. I am the first to admit I have not researched this thoroughly.