Quick war with China to clinch election, decides government

THE government has decided to engage in a quick war with China to gain public support ahead of the election, it has emerged.

Having noticed that it is polling at an all-time low, the government has decided to embark on a swift war with the Asian superpower which it is confident the UK can utterly crush just in time for the election.

A Downing Street spokesperson said: “Yep, it’s straight out of the Thatcher playbook. Wave off a few aircraft carriers to the other side of the world, let our boys do their thing, then watch the votes roll in. Never fails.

“Why else do you think we’re suddenly getting outraged over their state-sponsored hacking? We didn’t give a shit about it when it happened in 2021 because we still had three years left on the clock. You’ve got to use these scandals at the right time.

“Everyone will soon forget how the country fell apart on our watch as His Majesty’s forces march into Beijing and the two-million-strong Chinese People’s Liberation Army lay down their guns. We’d be so popular we could probably scrap the pension triple lock while we’re at it.

“With any luck we’ll be in and out in a couple of months, just like the Falklands. Then it’s back to Blighty with another term in office as the spoils of war. I can’t think of a single way this could go wrong.”

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Beckham family all sleep in the same bed like Charlie Bucket

THE extended Beckham family all sleep together head-to-toe in an enormous bed, it has been revealed.

The exclusively engineered 12ft by 8ft divan is lived in by David and Victoria, their four children, daughter-in-law Nicola, Nicola’s parents and both David and Victoria’s mum and dad.

David Beckham said: “Victoria is a huge fan of the original Willy Wonka film and what she says goes in this house, so we’ve all ended up kipping together in this massive, specially designed bed.

“The 11 of us spend up to 20 hours a day lying in it, and only get out to attend glitzy showbusiness parties, appear in documentaries and go to the toilet. Luckily the mattress is very comfy and we’ve got the added benefit of having loads of storage underneath.

“It was weird at first, but we all get on well enough so we’ve got used to it. It’s a bit awkward for Brooklyn and Nicola as a newly-wed couple, but luckily they’re not speaking at the moment because she cut him from her latest film, so we don’t have to pretend to be asleep while they shag.

“Do we all perform jolly songs together, like in the film? Well, you’ve heard Victoria’s singing voice, so you won’t be surprised to hear the answer to that is a hard no.”