Raab going on last wild bullying spree

DOMINIC Raab is spending his final day in office on one last wild, no-holds-barred bullying spree.

The deputy prime minister is racing around Whitehall throwing files, belittling senior civil servants and giving cabinet members atomic wedgies in advance of an independent report into complaints about his conduct.

A Downing Street insider said: “Give it up for Raab. He’s making Priti Patel look a proper lazy bitch.

“Nobody’s safe. He’s got spads terrified to go to the toilet in case he looms up behind them in the mirror, then he’s suddenly in their office screaming an inch from their faces until they piss themselves.

“Already today he’s given Lindsay Hoyle a swirlie, whacked Black Rod in the nuts with his own ceremonial mace, and twisted the permanent secretary to the Treasury’s arm up behind his back until he said ‘I like getting bummed by the EU’.

“Just casually walking down a corridor on the way to pantsing Sir Patrick Vallance he’s knocked three coffees over suits, sent Oliver Dowden sprawling and whacked a 450-page white paper over the gallery, scattering pages everywhere.

“The man does what he loves and he loves to bully. Why do you think I’m only wearing half a tie?”

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12 things the Daily Mail thinks you're doing when working from home

THIS week the Daily Mail claimed homeworking will cause the same urban blight of drugs, crime and homelessness that has gripped San Francisco. Here’s what they think you get up to.

Making a list of small business owners to kill

You’re already taking their livelihoods, why not their lives?

Sitting on a big pile of money labelled ‘takeaway coffee’

We’ve changed our minds about fancy coffee being wasteful and now it’s the only thing between Britain and a second Great Depression.

Making one million pounds from your OnlyFans account

With the boss out of the way you can show your ringpiece on the internet for money.

Playing golf

Because the main reason to save money and avoid a hellish 8am commute is to knock a little ball into a hole with suburban fascists in plus fours.

Renting your spare bedroom to an illegal immigrant

He’s probably working in there, too. ILLEGALLY.

Putting unnecessary strain on our wonderful NHS

Most injuries happen in our own kitchens, making working from home as dangerous as being a fisherman or US Navy SEAL.

Giving unnecessary help to our corrupt and wasteful NHS

Ambulance calls are down with fewer cars on the road, so where’s the money going? Socialist bureaucrats, lazy nurses and posh, patient-murdering doctors, that’s where!

Secretly working two other jobs to the detriment of your official employer

We’re unsure if today’s employees are workshy dolts or sly super-entrepreneurs. But you’re still scum.

Throwing darts at a big piece of paper with the word ‘productivity’ on

You’re making a mockery of capitalism, the thing that gave us Furbies and next-day delivery.

Running an illegal sourdough baking ring

Only by working from home can you nurture your starter and maximise profits. 

Going on TikTok all day

Because you couldn’t possibly do this at your desk at your piss-easy office job.

Vaping while riding an E-scooter into an innocent child, maiming them

Not sure how you manage this in your one-bedroom flat, but it’s the type of thing young people (defined as under 60) do these days. Bring back the birch.