Friday, 30th October 2020

Rees-Mogg 'would get his nuts kicked on a daily basis in real world'

IF Jacob Rees-Mogg was not an MP he would be subjected to daily assaults by his co-workers and random people, experts have confirmed.

The Institute for Studies examined Rees-Mogg’s recent behaviour, such as playing ‘Rule Britannia’ in the Commons, and concluded that in a different scenario he would be a frequent victim of kicks to the testicles.

Professor Henry Brubaker said: “It’s fortunate that Jacob chose to become a Tory MP and can ponce around pretending to be an 18th century lord of the manor when in fact he’s just a rich oddball with personality issues.

“Were he to do this in an office or a warehouse, a few weeks of his fey, pretentious, arrogant crap would cause his colleagues to develop an uncontrollable urge to kick him in the nuts.

“Even in a likeable role such as nurse, once he started annoyingly quoting the classics patients would be scrambling out of bed to boot him in the groin.”

Brubaker’s team concluded that Rees-Mogg should continue to be a tosser in his own little bubble, and definitely not get a job in Sainsbury’s in case customers started jumping over the Covid screens to get at him.

Rees-Mogg said: “What egregious nonsense. Just yesterday I was having a delightfully patronising discourse with a plebeian boiler engineer. Then he kicked me in the nuts.”