Rwanda rebellion is how Tories are in bed, partners confirm

THE way the Rwanda rebellion talked itself up as a massive deal then fizzled away into nothing is also how Conservative MPs make love, their partners have confirmed.

Hardline right-wingers spent Monday boasting about how dangerous and powerful they were, Tuesday strutting about backing irrelevant amendments, and Wednesday shrinking down to practically nothing almost immediately.

Mavis Gullis, wife of member for Stoke-on-Trent North Jonathan Gullis, said: “It was so like sex with him it gave me flashbacks. Very, very brief flashbacks.

“I know when our bi-monthly lovemaking nights are coming because he begins the hype a fortnight before, texting about what an unrestrained animal he is and how I’d better be ready for the hot, hot ERG energy he’s bringing to the bedroom.

“The weekend before is unbearable. All about how I need to respect the power of his rebel loins and warnings that ‘this will be seismic’ interspersed with his Liz Truss and Robert Jenrick selfies.

“Then when it finally comes down to it he doesn’t even manage to get it in. He’s so worked up he shoots on the carpet, a process he calls ‘abstaining on a point of principle’.

“Flights to Rwanda? That’s about as likely as him giving me an orgasm. No, I lie. There’s nothing less likely than that.”

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Touch this picture of a stomach and start praying for Kate

AS a loyal subject it is your duty to help the Royal Family in any way possible, so touch this picture of a stomach and start praying for Kate. Now.

With the Princess of Wales in hospital for up to 14 days, Buckingham Palace has released this official photograph of a stomach which every man, woman and child is required to touch daily while praying for her speedy recovery.

Royal spokesperson Denys Finch-Hatton said: “You did it for David Beckham’s broken left foot so you can do it for Kate. Don’t make us send the King’s Guard round to force you.

“Simply place your right hand on the photo and unleash your inner healing powers by visualising whatever’s going on with her guts getting fixed. Failing that, just imagine her perfect face for a couple of minutes. Same difference.

“If you need a prayer, don’t get hung up on trying to sound like a vicar. Try something like: ‘Our Father who art in Heaven, can you heal Kate’s abdomen and make it a priority? Thanks in advance.’

“You might feel ridiculous at first but most of you plebs swear by star signs and online personality tests, so is this really too far-fetched? It’s no more ridiculous than banging pots and pans together for the NHS, and you all bloody loved doing that.

“Anyway, this is just a warm-up. We’re already printing off pictures of prostates so you can get busy praying for Charles too.”