THE way the Rwanda rebellion talked itself up as a massive deal then fizzled away into nothing is also how Conservative MPs make love, their partners have confirmed.
Hardline right-wingers spent Monday boasting about how dangerous and powerful they were, Tuesday strutting about backing irrelevant amendments, and Wednesday shrinking down to practically nothing almost immediately.
Mavis Gullis, wife of member for Stoke-on-Trent North Jonathan Gullis, said: “It was so like sex with him it gave me flashbacks. Very, very brief flashbacks.
“I know when our bi-monthly lovemaking nights are coming because he begins the hype a fortnight before, texting about what an unrestrained animal he is and how I’d better be ready for the hot, hot ERG energy he’s bringing to the bedroom.
“The weekend before is unbearable. All about how I need to respect the power of his rebel loins and warnings that ‘this will be seismic’ interspersed with his Liz Truss and Robert Jenrick selfies.
“Then when it finally comes down to it he doesn’t even manage to get it in. He’s so worked up he shoots on the carpet, a process he calls ‘abstaining on a point of principle’.
“Flights to Rwanda? That’s about as likely as him giving me an orgasm. No, I lie. There’s nothing less likely than that.”
