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Shrewd Clacton voter suspects Count Binface may be a fictional character

AN astute voter in Clacton-on-Sea has a hunch that Count Binface might not actually be from the planet Sigma IX.

After watching Binface’s fiery exchange with interviewers on Newsnight, whip-smart Clacton resident Margaret Gerving has come to the conclusion that his ‘independent space warrior’ persona might be nothing more than a satirical gimmick.

Gerving said: “At first I took him at face value. Why shouldn’t I believe he’s the 5,900-year-old leader of the Recyclons? Curious, I dug a little deeper.

“Alarm bells started ringing when I looked into his policies. Putting a 99p price cap on Flakes and sending £1 trillion a week to the NHS sounds appealing, but he doesn’t explain how he’ll fund either of them.

“Then I remembered that bins are traditionally found on the street and used to contain rubbish, not worn on the heads of intergalactic visitors with an interest in local politics. And according to Wikipedia his real name is Jonathan Harvey. The lies never end.

“I know I’m going to sound like a tinfoil hat-wearing conspiracy theorist when I say this, but I really think Count Binface might just be some bloke having a laugh. And fair play, he nearly had me for a minute there.”

She added: “It’s a shame Lord Buckethead isn’t running. Now there was a candidate you could trust.”

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England needs a fun celebration making light of its past invading other countries in boats

By England fan Nathan Muir

WHY should it be Norway? If there’s any nation known worldwide for descending on countries in boats and taking them over by force, it’s surely us.

But instead we’re seeing the fans of our opponents tomorrow all over the US doing their Viking row as if they’re the ones with a proud history of global conquest. When in fact their pillaging warriors barely made it out of Europe.

Don’t get me wrong, it was good violence for its day. Loaded up in longboats and hitting the Northumbrian coast like a modern-day stag do hits Riga, drinking and burning monasteries and chatting up the local girls. All credit to them and their imaginative tortures.

Can’t really hold a candle to the English though, can they? Because when it was our turn to be seafarers, we didn’t waste it. India, Australia, Africa, the West Indies, even Australia. We came, we saw, we conquered and we let them bloody well know it.

Yeah, the Vikings martyred a few saints with the blood eagle. I’m not denying them that. Hardly compares to forcing the indigenous peoples of half the world to toil away in our gold mines and sugar plantations, does it? If we’re honest?

The sun never set on the British Empire. From the Irish next door to the ends of the earth we had them all in thrall. So if Norway’s allowed to be proud of its past of massacres and atrocities, why aren’t we?

Instead of a Viking row we could have, I don’t know, a man with a whip. Maybe not that. Or we could line up like the soldiers in Zulu, miming rifles on our shoulders, firing into the native horde. Okay maybe not that either.

Anyway, you get my point. It’s time for our football fans to reclaim our past with a fun but inoffensive ritual dance of some kind. I’ll leave it to the hardcore England supporters to decide what. We can trust them not to be racially insensitive about it.

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