COUNT Binface is clearly the favourite to win the Clacton by-election. But it is impossible to rule out a surprise result with candidates of this calibre standing:
The Rejoin EU Party
A party hampered only by everyone being sick to death of Brexit and unable to face Brexiters moaning like bastards if we rejoin officially. Should easily pick up plenty of votes from the bigoted pensioners of Clacton in the Remain stronghold of Essex.
Laurence Fox, Reclaim Party
One of the movers and shakers of British politics thanks to sitting at home posting toxically about trans people on X and filming the chickens in his garden. Could Clacton be the pivotal moment that leads to a Reclaim government? No. But it’s great that he’s standing; putting community activities on your CV can help you get a job when you’re long-term unemployed.
Protect British Wildlife
A hugely popular movement, insofar as everyone likes hedgehogs. They’ve not actually said they’ll stand as yet, but it would be a gripping grudge match after they clashed with Binface in the Makerfield by-election. Let’s hope there’s trash-talk and tempers flare so we’re treated to the sight of the Count nutting a fox with his big metal bin head.
Stop 5G Mind Control
Conspiracy theorists often see elections as a platform to expose the truth. Will Clacton be the one in which the sheeple finally realise 5G phone masts are psy-op weapons used by the New World Order to cover up vaccines and chemtrails making us sterile? It could be – if democracy wasn’t all rigged by Bill Gates and Davos.
The Official Monster Raving Loony Party
A worthy opponent for Binface. He has joke policies like a 99p price cap on 99 Flakes, they have joke policies like selling socks in packs of three in case you lose one. He dresses as a bin, they dress like Rag Week for the over-60s. It won’t be easy for Binface to take on the joke candidate political establishment though – expect them to deploy their highly professional electoral machine, ie. three ageing CAMRA members.
The Lord Druid Simon of Avalon and Avebury
British elections frequently feature some odd chap steeped in paganism or Arthurian legend or both. One such individual could prove a powerful electoral force if – as is written in prophecy – King Arthur’s knights rise from their slumber in Britain’s hour of need and slay all the other candidates. Although he’d probably just get them to post some badly designed leaflets.
