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Six previous prime ministers warn Burnham what to expect when meeting Trump

ANDY Burnham meets Donald Trump for the first time today, and it is unlikely to go well. The last six prime ministers warn him what to expect: 

David Cameron, in office 2010-2016

I didn’t actually meet him as PM, because I gambled and lost and completely f**ked up Britain for decades so resigned before he got elected, but I went to Mar-a-Lago as foreign secretary. Try to meet him outside, or in a large room, or take a deep breath before entering the room. The stench. It is something else.

Theresa May, in office 2016-2019

I got on marvellously well with President Trump because I did all the talking. We even held hands. Is that the hand which has the dark bruise on it that won’t heal and from which he seems to be rotting from the inside? Yes. Sorry about that. It’s due to my ancient curse.

Boris Johnson, in office 2019-2022

Trump and I were like brothers: rule-breaking, norm-ignoring, woman-groping self-aggrandising partners in crime who knew we’d always be able to get away with anything. Unfortunately, as others have since learned, that turned out to be true of him but not me. So don’t fall for that, Andy. If he offers to let you kill a hooker, say no.

Liz Truss, in office 2022-2022

I never got to meet Trump because of the Woke Blob conspiracy against me, and haven’t been able to since because he won’t. It’s crucial, therefore, for Burnham to tell Trump he is not the legitimate prime minister, that Liz Truss rightly rules Albion and it is the will of the people for her to be installed in a military coup to save the West.

Rishi Sunak, in office 2022-2024

I actually avoided meeting Donald Trump for reasons I’m confident I don’t have to go into. It wouldn’t have gone well. First the bafflement, then the anger, then asking ‘Does my good friend King Charles know this Indian guy’s saying he’s prime minister?’ It’s one of the reasons I’m glad I left. That, and running Britain’s a shit job.

Keir Starmer, in office 2024-2026

You’ve actually got the f**king nerve to ask me? You kicked me out of Downing Street for piss all and then come to me for advice? Go f**k yourself. Tell him a f**king Northern anecdote about being f**king Northern, I don’t give a shit. I’ll be in my mother’s donkey sanctuary taking out my frustrations on the beasts.

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Man only in shape because he's 22

A MAN impressed with his own trim body believes he looks after himself but is actually just not quite old enough to get fat yet. 

Jack Browne assumes he is lean because he visits the gym monthly and occasionally skips breakfast, while in fact he is still young enough to metabolise his diet of burgers, beer and Frosties at midnight.

He said: “I reckon I’ve got the good genes. My lifestyle’s way worse than my co-workers, and they’re all bloaters.

“They say ‘just you wait’ as if there’s some dreadful fate awaiting unsuspecting little me. Er hello? I’m an adult; an adult who can fit into 30in jeans and doesn’t waddle when he walks, even though I have a Starbucks Caramel Cream Frappuccino every day.

“They’re calorie counting and running half marathons just to maintain a baseline of fitness. I don’t need to. I can eat whatever I like and it just burns off, and it always will.

“Maybe everyone else has got health wrong. You don’t need to hit 10,000 steps or eat five a day. A youthfully naive outlook might be all it takes to have a trim physique. Just a thought.”

Colleague Martin Bishop, aged 42, said: “One day Jack’s going to be cramming fistfuls of crisps into his mouth and he’ll inflate like a life raft.”

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