'So, anyone got any ideas?' Truss asks cabinet

THE prime minister has brightly asked her new cabinet if any of them have any ideas on how to fix anything.

The new cabinet, which has been chosen based on their talent for supporting Liz Truss, has been advised of the numerous problems facing the UK and have been asked to raise their hands when they have solutions.

Truss, who has a notepad, said: “So, energy bills. Nobody can afford to pay them but because the country’s deeply in debt neither can we. Any easy fixes for that?

“Inflation’s also a bit of a biggie. We can’t raise wages but we can’t let interest rates get too high or everyone will lose their houses. In need of some blue-sky thinking there. Kwasi?

“Also apparently there’s a real danger of thousands of businesses closing, which we need not to happen and not to be due to Brexit. Jacob, that’s your area. Say whatever comes into your head, there are no wrong answers.

“Also there are strikes, the housing crisis, immigration, the NHS, social care, rising crime, sewage dumping, Scottish independence, the Northern Ireland border, climate change and the Ukraine war. Any thoughts on any of those? Looking for quick wins. Anyone?”

Following three hours of largely unbroken silence, the cabinet broke for a lovely long lunch.

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Man's natural circadian rhythms say he should stay up to 3am gaming

A MAN’S inbuilt 24-hour cycle has guided him to stay up playing League of Legends until at least 3am, he has confirmed.

Jack Browne believes it is better for his mental and physical health to follow the natural rhythms of his body, which wants him to ignore a 7.30am alarm and to remain awake far past midnight, alone, online and drinking cans of Monster.

He said: “The modern world has forced us to follow routines that go against our biorhythms. I’ve tried going to bed earlier, but I’m never going to win against science.

“It’s probably because my ancestors were nocturnal hunters, catching meat for the tribe with their amazing late-night reflexes. It’s the raw alpha male in me that refuses to sleep, not being addicted to Counter-Strike.

“By sitting in darkness staring at a rectangle of glowing light, I think I’m awakening the instincts that would’ve seen me drag home sabre-toothed tiger carcasses 10,000 years ago. It’s remarkable what you can discover if you listen to nature.”

Girlfriend Lauren Hewitt said: “Jack’s evolutionary path is primitive but powerful, compelling him to live a life unlike most. He sleeps all day and he’ll die before he reaches 40.”