Stanley Johnson, Carrie Johnson, six posh girls with unexplained babies: Boris Johnson's resignation honours list

BORIS Johnson’s resignation honours list includes his father, his wife, his baby son, six single mothers with ridiculous names, and these: 

Stanley Johnson, knighthood

Nothing could be more deserved for a freeloading accused groper and wife-beater whose contribution to public life is occasionally appearing on breakfast television.

Carrie Johnson, made Baroness Johnson of East Sheen

Bestowed in anticipation of the forthcoming divorce as a sweetener.

Wilfred Johnson, made Viscount Johnson

Viscounts are hereditary peers and cannot be created since the House of Lords Act 1999, which the former prime minister selflessly ignored.

Rachel Johnson, made Lady Johnson of Notting Hill

Boris’s sister, included because everyone else in the family is getting something so it would be rude to leave her out. Officially honoured for not coming last in 2018’s Celebrity Big Brother and winning the 2008 Bad Sex in Fiction prize.

Boris Johnson’s cock, made Duke of Maidenhead

Johnson’s own knob is now a Duke and has droit de seigneur, giving it the right to have sexual relations with any woman in the Reading area on her wedding night. That comes with the position, Johnson doesn’t make the rules.

Sergey Nalobin, made Lord Nalobin of Cricklewood

Son of a KGB agent who is a close personal friend of Johnson, often appearing in his bedroom uninvited at 4am to make certain requests.

Caledonia Barings-Price, Quincy de Russi, Mirielle St Clement, Evianna Weston-Sykes, Lavatera Spriggs and Futuere Astor Busch, all CBEs

Six women, all who have small blonde children whose fathers are unknown, who work in journalism, art dealing, wealth management, estate management, the Conservative party and the Cabinet office.

Michael Gove, knighthood

A little something to say no hard feelings.

Paul Dacre, Most Noble Order of the Garter

There can be no doubt that the editor of the Daily Mail, who has done so much for Britain, deserves the highest possible honour usually reserved for heads of MI5 and Leaders of the Lords.

Assorted MBEs 

Thrown out to crowd at Tiger Tiger in Portsmouth during a personal appearance by the former prime minister.

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'I'm a great listener,' man interrupts

A WOMAN’S boyfriend has interrupted her complaint that nobody ever listens to her by explaining he is a great listener. 

Lucy Parry was telling Josh Gardner that nobody at work ever pays attention to her when he cut her off to say that he is an exception and any suggestion he does not appreciate, value, or listen to her views is frankly hurtful.

He continued: “I understand you might feel you’re not being heard sometimes, but not in this relationship. No danger.

“I make time and space, I hear you out, I’m empathetic and receptive. I know that communication isn’t a one-way street. Hey, if I didn’t you wouldn’t be telling me about whatever it is. The work thing.

“Do I occasionally contribute my own perspective? Sure, but only when it helps to illuminate the subject at hand, as at present. Anyway, shall I heat up that korma? And I have to tell you about what happened with Mark’s fantasy football team.”

Lucy said: “Josh hears about one word in ten, most of which are his own name, like a dog.

“The shameful thing is that compared to most pricks, that actually does qualify him a good listener.”