BORIS Johnson’s resignation honours list includes his father, his wife, his baby son, six single mothers with ridiculous names, and these:
Stanley Johnson, knighthood
Nothing could be more deserved for a freeloading accused groper and wife-beater whose contribution to public life is occasionally appearing on breakfast television.
Carrie Johnson, made Baroness Johnson of East Sheen
Bestowed in anticipation of the forthcoming divorce as a sweetener.
Wilfred Johnson, made Viscount Johnson
Viscounts are hereditary peers and cannot be created since the House of Lords Act 1999, which the former prime minister selflessly ignored.
Rachel Johnson, made Lady Johnson of Notting Hill
Boris’s sister, included because everyone else in the family is getting something so it would be rude to leave her out. Officially honoured for not coming last in 2018’s Celebrity Big Brother and winning the 2008 Bad Sex in Fiction prize.
Boris Johnson’s cock, made Duke of Maidenhead
Johnson’s own knob is now a Duke and has droit de seigneur, giving it the right to have sexual relations with any woman in the Reading area on her wedding night. That comes with the position, Johnson doesn’t make the rules.
Sergey Nalobin, made Lord Nalobin of Cricklewood
Son of a KGB agent who is a close personal friend of Johnson, often appearing in his bedroom uninvited at 4am to make certain requests.
Caledonia Barings-Price, Quincy de Russi, Mirielle St Clement, Evianna Weston-Sykes, Lavatera Spriggs and Futuere Astor Busch, all CBEs
Six women, all who have small blonde children whose fathers are unknown, who work in journalism, art dealing, wealth management, estate management, the Conservative party and the Cabinet office.
Michael Gove, knighthood
A little something to say no hard feelings.
Paul Dacre, Most Noble Order of the Garter
There can be no doubt that the editor of the Daily Mail, who has done so much for Britain, deserves the highest possible honour usually reserved for heads of MI5 and Leaders of the Lords.
Thrown out to crowd at Tiger Tiger in Portsmouth during a personal appearance by the former prime minister.