Meetings cancelled at the last minute, and other career highs

REAL career highs are not promotions, successful initiatives or boosting the share price, but the buzz of a training course that finishes before lunch. And these: 

The last-minute meeting cancellation

It’s 10am, and you are dreading a meeting which rolls straight over lunch and into the afternoon – when it’s cancelled, because Jeff from head office is stuck on the M4 like a wanker. You now have a full day to do work, eat food and perform normal human bodily functions. Can anything beat that?

The race to read a recalled email

Emma has sent out an email titled ‘RE: project deadline’ then another hastily saying, ‘Emma Bradford would like to recall the message “RE: project deadline.’ The race to read the original is on, in the hope of blunt honesty, staggering profanity or confidential information. Sadly Emma just spelt ‘strategic’ wrong, but that’s good enough.

Being new

After the first week when you’ve learned where the toilets and canteen are, being new is a rush. Only the pathetic treat it as a chance to prove their worth. Everyone else gets the six-month euphoria of being handed a big piece of work about the pensions update and saying ‘Sorry, I don’t know anything about it. I’m new.’

Being first to summarising your group’s findings

It’s an awayday, you’ve been split into groups to conclude the bleeding obvious and you’re up first. You make all the key points then sit back to watch other, far more capable people flail around to find something different to say, while you resume your fantasy about shagging Nathan from Finance.

A colleague brings in Haribo

Previously a routine event, until everyone began drinking green smoothies and carrying around giant water bottles as a demonstration of joylessness. So when Tom greets 2pm with a giant bag of Tangfastics and some Mini Eggs your day is f**king made.

Knowing secrets

On Friday Martin tried to touch Carolyn’s knee under the pub table. You know this because he got your knee by mistake. Martin doesn’t know you know. Carolyn doesn’t know you know. You know you know, and it makes their halting, confused interactions so exquisite.

A shared hatred

There is nothing to rival the warm glow of a shared loathing, you realise, as you and Nikki discover you both hate Steph with a passion. The resulting high carries you through two meetings with compliance, which not even hard drugs can achieve.

Getting made redundant

Your role is disappearing due to ‘restructuring’ by that arsehole consultant. You’re getting three months gardening leave and a payoff. You can not work for half a year before you end up doing the same shit somewhere else. This is the greatest day of your motherf**king life.

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Man picked last in PE still taking out anger on entire world

A MAN who was the last to be chosen for PE teams is still exacting vengeance on everyone and everything 40 years later.

Fuelled by the humiliation of being very reluctantly picked for games he was bad at playing, Martin Bishop has spent the rest of his life wreaking havoc on people, plants, animals and inanimate objects.

He said: “People think it’s loners who didn’t get into art school you have to look out for. But they’re nothing compared to the last nerd standing on a rain-lashed school playing field.

“Nobody and nothing is safe from my wrath. If kids kick a ball over my fence I enthusiastically puncture it right in front them. It makes me feel good in the place where my heart should be. Even the sight of coastal erosion fills me with twisted glee. F**k you, land. You think you’re so special.

“If I ruled the world, which by rights I should, PE would be illegal. Also I’d be allowed to execute anyone with good hand-eye coordination. Then there’d just be me and all the other geeks left and we’d be free to be unhappy together.

“Although I’d probably end up offing them as well because they’re really annoying in their own unique ways. But I’m definitely not.”