Nine things we wish you would stop doing, by a newborn

AS a newborn baby, there are many things you do that make me wish I was able to tell you you’re an idiot. Like these:

Shoving black and white fabric books in my face

Yes, I know you’re trying to improve my cognitive abilities because you want me to become a criminal barrister, but honestly, can you just give it a rest? I’m 17 days old, you twit.

Saying I look like Daddy

On the rare occasions that he looks up from his phone, Daddy appears to be overweight and has a massive nose, so this is clearly not a compliment.

Enlarging photos of me

A 5 x 7″ print on the bedside table is fine, but I’m probably the ugliest I’ll ever look right now, so can you save this massive canvas print bullshit until I’m older?

Making weird mementos

That thing where you put my foot in cold, wet plaster to make a cast, what the f**k was that? I’m a human being, not a twee Hobbycraft product.

Leaving me with your parents

Did you know they wheel me around outside in all weathers hoping random strangers will stop and admire me? I’m freezing my tits off in order to boost these OAPs’ egos.

Reading me rubbish picture books

Spot Goes To School does not have a rich narrative, people.

Piercing my ears

Whether you’re incredibly common or the sort of hipster dickhead who thinks it’s a cool and ironic thing to do, it f**king hurts and I look ridiculous.

Taking me to Rhyme Time 

You have to sit in a miserable church hall with a lukewarm cup of tea while clapping my useless little hands together. It’s 8.30am on a Friday and you would rather have stayed in bed. So would I.

Saying you’ll never give me sugar

It’s easy to say that now while I’m tiny and have no experience of anything other than milk and sleep. But when I’m old enough to throw a tantrum and call you a stupid bumface in Aldi, you’ll be shoving sweets in my gob quicker than you can say ‘Haribo’.

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Boomer couple downsizing to bigger house than you will ever own

A RETIRED couple have moved from their spacious five-bed family home to a modest little three-bed that is still far beyond your buying power.

Bill and Janet McKay have downsized, yet stayed in the same desirable area that is apparently ideal for young families but impossible to afford if you are not an investment banker or in your 60s.

Janet McKay said: “Selling our house for an 800 per cent profit was a tough decision, but being cash buyers meant we could easily beat any mortgage-seeker to the best smaller houses in the area.

“The new place feels a bit pokey but we’ll get used to having just the two bathrooms, and we think we can manage with one sitting room. We’ve accepted we’ll have to rough it a bit now that we’re only living off our enormous final salary pensions.

“We have such fond memories of raising our family around here, so it feels right to stay and drive the prices up further. Not that any young people can afford to buy here now, of course, because they’re so dreadful at saving.”

Son Olly McKay said: “Inheritance? Unlikely. They’ll piss all the cash from the house sale away on cruises and garden furniture. Why can’t they just die already?”