AS a newborn baby, there are many things you do that make me wish I was able to tell you you’re an idiot. Like these:
Shoving black and white fabric books in my face
Yes, I know you’re trying to improve my cognitive abilities because you want me to become a criminal barrister, but honestly, can you just give it a rest? I’m 17 days old, you twit.
Saying I look like Daddy
On the rare occasions that he looks up from his phone, Daddy appears to be overweight and has a massive nose, so this is clearly not a compliment.
Enlarging photos of me
A 5 x 7″ print on the bedside table is fine, but I’m probably the ugliest I’ll ever look right now, so can you save this massive canvas print bullshit until I’m older?
Making weird mementos
That thing where you put my foot in cold, wet plaster to make a cast, what the f**k was that? I’m a human being, not a twee Hobbycraft product.
Leaving me with your parents
Did you know they wheel me around outside in all weathers hoping random strangers will stop and admire me? I’m freezing my tits off in order to boost these OAPs’ egos.
Reading me rubbish picture books
Spot Goes To School does not have a rich narrative, people.
Piercing my ears
Whether you’re incredibly common or the sort of hipster dickhead who thinks it’s a cool and ironic thing to do, it f**king hurts and I look ridiculous.
Taking me to Rhyme Time
You have to sit in a miserable church hall with a lukewarm cup of tea while clapping my useless little hands together. It’s 8.30am on a Friday and you would rather have stayed in bed. So would I.
Saying you’ll never give me sugar
It’s easy to say that now while I’m tiny and have no experience of anything other than milk and sleep. But when I’m old enough to throw a tantrum and call you a stupid bumface in Aldi, you’ll be shoving sweets in my gob quicker than you can say ‘Haribo’.