How to become middle class by upgrading your condiments

ARE you a class betrayer desperate to slither your way into the ranks of the middle classes? Here’s how to do it with your favourite condiments.

Mayo to aioli

Any middle-class person worth their pink Himalayan salt wouldn’t be caught dead with bog standard mayonnaise, so bin your Hellmann’s and get yourself down to the farmers’ market for some artisanal aioli. It’s basically incredibly garlicky mayo that comes in a tiny jar and costs twice as much, which is why middle-class people think it’s special.

Ketchup to relish

No one who regularly reads the Guardian consumes ketchup. They aren’t even able to digest Heinz, that’s just science. Instead, they eat relish, which they’ll say is far superior, despite the fact that it is in no way the same. Prepare for every plate of chips you ever eat to be ruined by big, horrible chunks of vegetable.

Sarsons to apple cider vinegar

Nobody cares what vinegar is made from, unless they want to climb the social ladder, and then they get incredibly picky. Middle-class people will only consume apple cider vinegar, which they also mysteriously insist comes ‘with the mother’. Anyone who lives north of Bristol will have no idea what the f**k they’re talking about. (It’s ‘good’ bacteria, like in the overpriced yoghurts.)

Colman’s to Grey Poupon Dijon mustard

None of that common, bright yellow English shit, thank you very much. Middle-class people have refined palates that demand mustard made in France using the finest Chardonnay. The truth is that they wouldn’t be able to tell the difference in a blind taste test and just like the fancy writing on the jar.

Salad cream to hummus

While these two condiments are completely different in taste and texture, the similarity lies in the function they perform. Just as council estate dwellers slop salad cream onto literally everything, no middle-class meal is complete without a spoonful of hummus, whether it’s a fried breakfast or a falafel burger.

Butter to olive oil

The goal of every middle-class person is to live to be at least 100, so they can delay their children inheriting any of their wealth for as long as possible. So rather than evil, heart-destroying butter, they obsess over Mediterranean diets and healthy fats. A buttered crumpet is one of mankind’s greatest inventions, but to posh pricks it’s worse than heroin.

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Married couple bail on date night after 20 minutes because the chemistry isn't there

A MARRIED couple have made excuses to get out of date night after 20 minutes because there was no chemistry whatsoever.

Hannah and Shaun Tomlinson visited a city centre cocktail bar, but both admitted that before they had even finished their first drink it was obvious this was not going to lead somewhere.

Hannah, aged 38, said: “I don’t like to be basic, but you’ve got to fancy them, haven’t you?

“You can have all the friendly conversation in the world but without that physical connection you’re both wasting your time. It was for his sake as much as mine.

“We’d finished our drinks, the gulf between us was yawning and unignorable, but rather than say anything I faked an urgent text and claimed there was a childcare emergency. I think he was as relieved as I was.

“I got home, took all my slap off, and slumped on the sofa in front of Gogglebox with a glass of wine and a feeling of lucky escape. He’s probably just as delighted to be at home playing videogames. Frankly I’m just glad we called it early.”

Shaun, aged 39, said: “Yeah, I don’t want to be rude but she was too fat for me. And old.”