Men treating mate's new girlfriend to run-through of his most shameful moments

A GROUP of men are regaling their mate’s new girlfriend with a detailed explanation of his most humiliating moments.

After introducing themselves to Sophie Rodriguez, Tom Booker’s mates immediately told her about the time he shat himself at Alton Towers, bombed while giving a best man speech and got caught shagging his ex by his parents.

Friend Joshua Hudson said: “Tom’s done well for himself. She’s a looker with a lovely personality and good sense of humour. Now it’s time to potentially ruin his happiness.

“We started small by bringing up blunders from his school days and your run of the mill teenage misadventures. But after a few pints we were telling her everything that happened in Amsterdam which we falsely claimed would stay in Amsterdam.

“It sounds like a cruel thing to do, but it’s better she hears it all from us in one go rather than gradually over the course of a few years. We’ve either strengthened their relationship or completely destroyed it. It’s what bros are for.”

Rodriguez said: “Tom’s mates are a right laugh but I’m dreading introducing him to my friends. Nothing’s more terrifying than a group of women pretending to be nice to you while secretly and harshly judging your every move.”

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Six British TV shows that should not attempt cinematic spin-offs

A MOVIE of Luther that nobody asked for is in cinemas. Which other hit British series should not attempt to hit the big screen?

Naked Attraction

Two hours of more cockeyed fannies, wonky dicks, grisly piercings and saggy arses than you’ve ever seen before, all house-sized at your local Odeon. The audience, who have only attended to be desensitised to all sexual stimuli for the rest of their lives, slump eating popcorn. Stay for the mid-credits teaser! It’s a cock.


A cinematic follow-up to an epic long-running British TV series? Finally with the budget to leave the wards? But with the characteristic lack of imagination that would just see all the characters board a bus for a holiday in Ibiza and find themselves embroiled in Balearic medical action when a 747 crashes into a superclub?

The One Show

Who wouldn’t want to see Jones, Jenas and Keating recreate their small-screen chemistry in a full-length movie, introducing Larry Lamb with a report on goat farming in the Shetlands with all the latest CGI? For 150 gripping minutes, including a rollercoaster section when Gyles Brandreth weaves a jumper from HIS OWN DOG’S HAIR!


Cumberbatch and Freeman are both bona fide movie stars and episodes were already movie-length, so it seems a natural fit. Unfortunately Sherlock’s last outing in 2017, The Crystal Maze of Death, was so epically shite that it curtailed all affection for the show worldwide and no f**ker would go and see it.

Pobol y Cym

The middle classes love an arty foreign language movie about disadvantaged communities where courageous, downtrodden proletarians struggle to escape the poverty trap and achieve their dreams. Except if they’re Welsh, because that’s not fashionable.

Dickinson’s Real Deal

This blockbuster sees alien technology stolen from Area 51, Merlin’s cursed walking stick, and a Lladro figurine used in a mass murder brought in to Dickinson’s dealers for auction while the CIA, Vatican Special Forces, the Yakuza and Dickinson’s hitherto unrevealed evil twin battle for them. Actually, this one sounds awesome.