New mum spends first night out hopelessly pissed and irrationally paranoid

A NEW mum who had been desperate to go out for months immediately got hammered and spent the whole evening fretting about her baby.

Emma Bradford was thrilled to have the chance to go out and socialise without a newborn clamped to her breast, and even more excited to have her first sip of alcohol in over a year.

Friend Lucy Phipps said: “I thought we’d have a relaxed evening with a few drinks and a laugh, but I hadn’t appreciated the ways in which having a small baby makes you absolutely mental.

“Emma was dressed up to the nines, which was a bit weird for the local pub, but she said she hadn’t worn anything apart from pyjamas since before Christmas so I can understand her enthusiasm for a new outfit and lots of lippy.

“We ordered a bottle of wine and she’d necked two large glasses before I’d got through one small one. Which is fine, but she obviously hasn’t drunk for a while so was shitfaced within 30 minutes.

“And then she was suddenly overtaken with a huge wave of guilt and paranoia about whether the baby was okay, even though he was with his dad, who texted every 15 minutes to assure her of his safety.

“She started crying so I put her in a taxi and was home by 8.30pm. Ideal, really.”

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Why mummy was sitting on top of daddy shouting: What to do if you're caught in the act by your five-year-old

HUMPING away merrily then realise your child has wandered into the bedroom? Try and bail yourselves out with one of these implausible lies.

We were playing horses. Mummy was sitting on top of daddy shouting because you were playing an innocent game of horsey. They’ll point out you’ve got it wrong because you don’t ride a horse by straddling its groin. And you don’t shout ‘Oh God I’m coming!’, you say ‘Giddy up!’. She’ll fetch her hobby horse to show you how it’s done while galloping around the bedroom. The moment’s f**ked. Unlike you.

Daddy was warming mummy up. You were lying on top of mummy because she felt cold. Not hugely believable – you’re so warm now you’re both sweaty and bright red, but why are you naked if you’re chilly? If your child buys it they’re probably not the sharpest spoon in the box, so forget any Oxbridge graduation ceremonies.

Mummy was kissing daddy’s poorly willy better. Daddy has hurt his willy and you were kissing it better, like you do with bumps and grazes. He must have been in f**king agony from the gasps and groans he was making. If you’re lucky they might just swallow it, which is more than mummy will be doing now. Just pray they don’t (A) burst into tears because Daddy’s going to die, or (B) loudly tell your next adult visitor that Daddy’s willy is sick.

Mummy was choking on something. Why else would she be on all fours with you vigorously shunting at her from behind? Explaining the Heimlich manoeuvre to a preschool sprog is sheer genius because they’ll immediately glaze over with boredom and bugger off. You could get back to it, only you’ve both lost the urge now.

Attention-diverting bribery. Change the subject in a flash by telling him he’s been such a good boy lately that yes, he can have that rocket launcher toy he’s been banging on about for weeks. Which is weird, because only last night he was getting a bollocking for refusing to eat his tea. Unfortunately now he’ll try to catch you at it again to procure more plastic tat. Probably best to give up sex altogether until the grasping little shit leaves home.

The truth. If all else fails, ie. you don’t come up with some bullshit quickly enough, you could always just be honest about it. The whole ‘When a mummy and a daddy love each other very much’ shebang. She’ll either be completely grossed out or utterly uninterested and leave you alone. Then recount the whole episode the next time she has a sleepover at granny and grandpa’s.