Woman reduces screen time to 94.6 per cent of waking hours

A WOMAN has drastically reduced her daily screen time by several waking minutes, it has emerged.

Lauren Hewitt decided it was time to take action after realising she has spent every moment of the last 15 years when not actually unconscious glued to a phone, computer, tablet or TV.

Hewitt said: “I didn’t think it would be possible. I have to use screens for work, watching Netflix and taking a shit. Even when I’m asleep I dream of staring at a glaring oblong.

“I thought about going off-grid, but when I looked into it that sounded like a right faff. So I’ve just started having really long showers instead. 

“It’s the only place I’m guaranteed to be free because I’m not going to knacker my iPhone or the TV by getting them wet. Although I’ve been tempted during boring thigh scrubbing.

“It’s working though. I’ve managed to reduce my screen time by a whopping 14 minutes. At least that’s what my phone says. I can’t help but check it every few seconds to see how I’m getting on. I’d better do it now.”

Hewitt’s boyfriend Tom Booker said: “I suggested that putting her phone away during sex was romantic and would bring her screen time down even more. Her exact words were ‘No f**king chance’.”

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Reversing round a corner: Things you'd totally f**k up if you had to take your driving test again

YOU reckon you’re a great driver but you never look in your mirrors and often ignore the speed limit. Here’s how you’d instantly fail your test if you took it now.

Reversing round a corner

You haven’t done this manoeuvre since your driving test because, honestly, who the f**k ever needs to go backwards round a corner? Nobody. And if it ever turns out that you do, it’s not going to matter if you bump over the kerb a bit, is it? Unless a cat or an old lady happens to be standing there, and neither of them live long anyway.

Checking your mirrors

Your driving instructor banged on and on about making sure you checked your mirrors before doing literally anything in the car, including speeding up and slowing down. Now you will merrily drive 200 miles down the motorway without checking them once. You haven’t crashed yet so it can’t be that much of a big deal.

Parallel parking

This was the manoeuvre that gave you the fear during your driving lessons, even though the instructor gave you a foolproof method of doing one turn left, two turns right, and one turn left again. Of course, you forgot this advice the second you passed your test and now consider it normal to park a mile from your destination and walk back if it means not having to parallel park.

Turn in the road

You were actually pretty good at performing a neat three-point turn in the road without once touching the kerb. Nowadays, you prefer speed over care and will happily give another vehicle a gentle bump or drive onto someone’s lawn a little bit if it means getting home and in front of the telly 20 seconds sooner.

Obeying the speed limit

You were militant about sticking to the speed limit when you first passed, terrified you’d be flashed and your parents would be angry with you. Now you often do 80 on the motorway, which you claim is because you’ve forgotten what the limit is, but really you’re fantasising about being him out of The Fast and the Furious. Vin Diesel. Not Paul Walker who died in a car crash, although that might be more appropriate.