Sue Gray hire proves there were no parties and Boris wasn't at them, say Tories

SUE Gray’s hiring by Labour proves once and for all there were no Downing Street lockdown parties and Boris Johnson did not attend them, the Tories have asserted.

The appointment of the former civil servant as Keir Starmer’s chief of staff automatically means the Partygate inquiry is invalidated and, therefore, that Partygate never took place.

Conservative chair Greg Hands said: “The Sue Gray report, the only record of these so-called lockdown parties, has now been exposed as an anti-Brexit falsehood.

“The entire thing was a plot by Starmer, using his mole within the civil service to frame a law-abiding and wildly popular leader to distract from his illegal beer-and-korma raves in Durham.

“Therefore we as a party, a government and a country have no option but to conclude the entire scandal was confected, there were no parties, Boris Johnson never attended any of them and he therefore remains prime minister.

“Liz Truss never happened, the Queen yet reigns, we’re 30 points ahead in the polls and the EU has caved to the threat of the Protocol Bill and given Britain full access to the single market but we make our own rules.

“Everything is great again. The last 14 months were just a terrible, terrible nightmare which we’ll wake up from any minute now. Any minute now.”

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Palpable relief from TV weather presenter that shit weather confined to North

A WEATHER presenter found it hard to contain her relief that bitterly low temperatures will be confined to strange, faraway places like Scotland and Yorkshire.

London-based Donna Sheridan was visibly relieved while explaining that the miserable weather – possibly including snow – would only affect places that were shit anyway. 

She also implied with a warm but slightly patronising smile that people without a cosmopolitan career requiring them to live in London had only themselves to blame.

At the end of the news, Sheridan said: “Bad weather will hit a handful of obscure outposts such as Scotland, Wales, Northern Ireland, Northumbria, Lancashire and Yorkshire. But the vast majority of the country, London and Surrey, will thankfully escape unscathed. So don’t worry.”

Motioning vaguely across two-thirds of the British Isles, Sheridan said that anyone stranded there could expect a few difficult days before giving a highly detailed breakdown of the forecasts for Kensington North, South, East and West respectively.

She added: “For those of us shopping at Harvey Nicks this weekend, it’s a case of bringing a brolly to be on the safe side. I’m so sorry. I’m just so bloody sorry. Stay safe.”

Sheridan finished the broadcast with a heartfelt plea that it would not drizzle on the animals at London Zoo.

A number of Northerners and Scots are now understood to have phoned the BBC to complain, but their garbled, heavily-accented grunts were impossible to understand.