DRAG queen events including a children’s storytime have been criticised recently. Quite right, says traditionalist Norman Steele. Here he warns of the life-changing dangers of seeing a man in a dress.
You will instantly turn extremely gay
Within seconds of seeing a drag act you’ll have a craving for penises and men’s bottoms. If you don’t want to spend the rest of your life in gay bars and public toilets there’s only one cure – a complete brain transplant, and the NHS waiting list must be massive at the moment.
Your dress sense will change
You’ll look a right twat watching lads and dads football in a dress, high heels and a feather boa, but that’s how you’ll dress now. From what I’ve seen, you’ll also swap the boxer shorts for g-strings and corsets, like the famous bisexual scientist Dr Frank N Furter. It’s diabolical what the gender benders will make you wear, and after I’d just spent £80 on a totally heterosexual North Face jacket as well.
You will start frequenting sleazy Soho bars
I’ve seen them in 1970s films. You’ll go in and have some watered-down champagne for £15 a glass with a tall woman called Lola who, when you get frisky, turns out to have meat and two veg. The worst thing is you’d only planned to pop out and get some compost from B&Q.
You’ll reject normal society
Adults and children alike will hate being in a normal semi-detached house and come to believe it is ‘fun to stay at the YMCA’. Sorry, non-gender-specific woke persons, but non-stop 24-hour buggery isn’t my idea of fun. You’ll also have no interest in a traditional career like lorry driver or accountant, instead becoming a rent boy, sailor or – God help us – another drag queen.
Your music tastes will change
You’ll immediately hate proper men’s music like Dire Straits. You won’t be able to sit down and appreciate a good Chris Rea song any more – you’ll want to prance around the room to Hi-NRG dance music. The Cream of Clapton will be consigned to the wheelie bin, and you’ll be singing along with the perverts on the soundtrack to Cabaret.
You will become outrageously camp
You’ll arrive at the pub and Geoff will ask if you want a pint, but you’ll go: ‘Ooooh, wouldn’t you like to know, duckie? Oh go on then, make it a STIFF ONE, ‘cos I can’t wait to get my lips round a STIFF ONE! And get some crisps or I’ll scratch your eyes out, you old tart!’ This is how you will talk now, all the time. You won’t be able to buy a pair of jeans in M&S without squealing: ‘Ooooh! I like a nice tight fit in the bottom!’ Your life will be a living hell.
Your relationship with your wife will change
Obviously there’ll be tension from trying on her underwear and dresses. Your sex life will be over, and you’ll insist on her calling you by your drag queen name, eg. ‘Carmen Rimhole’. In short, your life will be in ruins. There’s a repeat of QI with Julian Clary on Dave channel tonight, so I’ve buried the TV in a hole in the garden and concreted it over. It’s just not worth the risk.