Starmer: 'Let's knock this shithole down and start again'

KEIR Starmer is to suggest that around 90 per cent of Britain be demolished so it can be rebuilt properly. 

In his speech at the Labour party conference, the leader will explain that 13 years of Tory rule preceded by 31 years of naked Thatcherism means the UK is pretty much f**ked.

He said: “Wander into your town centre. Closed shops, Poundstretcher being robbed by gangs, Wetherspoons. Does this look worth fixing?

“Our flats have flammable cladding on, our schools have RAAC roofs, our trainlines can’t even reach Manchester. The Houses of Parliament are coming down. So let’s level the lot and start again.

“You can keep your house, if it’s not a nasty new-build, and we’ll hang onto a few of the more historic places. But the rest of this shit, massive metal sheds alongside motorways and all, is being swept into the sea. Making Britain, by the way, even bigger.

“Then we’ll rebuild it, putting the infrastructure in first, and live in a lovely country that isn’t littered with broken bits of Tory rule. Who’s with me?”

Starmer added: “Where will we live while it’s going on? In caravans, Grand Designs-style. Causing a massive and much-needed rise in the birthrate.”

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Five geek accessories that let's face it, have been used as sex toys

IN happier times geeks could uniformly be considered unattractive, friendless virgins, but in these post-internet days fandoms have got sexy with these objects: 

Sonic screwdriver

Come on, it’s happened. When Doctor Who finally made the subtext text and admitted the Doctor has boned every single one of his companions – even Adric – fans stopped pretending their replica screwdriver was for opening doors. It’s been up there multiple times, before being rinsed and replaced on its stand.


The officially licenced lightsaber dildo will come, but the replicas do the job. Whether Luke’s ribbed classic, Mace Windu’s elegantly contoured purple-headed hipster favourite or Darth Maul’s double-ender, there’s one for your sexual needs. Hardcore fan? Visit Disneyland Florida and they’ll build you a custom one. Tell them what it’s for.

Harry Potter’s Nimbus 2000

The fastest Quidditch broomstick on the market? That Harry rode to triumph after triumph, always able to locate and tame the elusive Golden Snitch? Once the Harry Potter fans grew up and realised what they’d been reading, is it any wonder they tried it for themselves?


The only intentionally penis-shaped thing on the list and the least appealing, the alien from Alien was designed by HR Giger to look like a dick. With teeth. Which one? Ladies, the stage two xenomorph, better known as the Chestburster, is your next dildo. Gents, don’t deny you’ve already thought about putting it in a Facehugger.

The Infinity Gauntlet

Lie on your hand until it’s numb, don your replica Infinity Gauntlet with full complement of stones, and pretend Thanos is wanking you off. Until the Snap.