Sturgeon prepared to hold second resignation if this one doesn't work

NICOLA Sturgeon is prepared to take a second swing at resigning if this first attempt does not pan out, she has announced.

In the unlikely event that her countrymen do not allow her to step down, the Scottish first minister has confirmed she will ignore their opinion and plough on with a second resignation regardless.

She said: “Just because I’ve said I’m leaving doesn’t mean it’s a done deal. There’s plenty that could go wrong and scupper my resignation before I’ve buggered off, but rest assured I will try again and again until I get what I want. As usual.

“I was thinking of putting my departure to a public vote but they tend to get referendums wrong so f**k that. 

“My decision to leave is a once in a lifetime opportunity. Even if a suitable replacement can’t be found and you try to tempt me to stay with a big sack of cash, I’m off.

“Look, either let me go now or put up with me on Question Time every other week threatening to resign for a second time. Even people who were initially in favour of me going will grow tired of the debate and it won’t get any closer to becoming a reality.

“You don’t want that, do you? Didn’t think so. Laters.”

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Arseholes delighted

THE most repulsive political commentators in Britain are delighted to hear that Nicola Sturgeon has resigned, it has emerged.

A coalition of the f**king awful including Sarah Vine, Nigel Farage, Rupert Murdoch and every gammon are over the moon that Scottish leader Nicola Sturgeon is stepping down from power.

Their spokesperson Norman Steele said: “Good riddance! What did she ever do for her country except unite everyone around one political party and listen to their desires? This is the best day in Britain’s history.

“Now she’s buggered off we can finally put independence to bed, tighten our iron grip on a country that’ll surely come around to Tory goverment, and crack on with Brexit as a unified nation. Sunlit uplands here we come, baby!”

Tom Booker, who never tired of calling Sturgeon ‘wee Jimmy Krankie Scottish’, said: “I’m pinching myself, I can barely believe it. I knew all that trans stuff I don’t understand but railed against regardless would be her downfall.

“I would phone my ex-wife and kids to tell them the good news but they cut me out of their life long, long ago. Still can’t figure out why.”