Suck it, Britain

MY MPs tried to kick me out. The country booed me at the Jubilee. But I’m here with one thing to say to the turncoats: suck my big posh dick.

First up – my so-called party. Especially you Red Wall scum. If it wasn’t for me you’d still be accountants in Shitville-on-Sea, so down on your knees and get sucking. I’ll regard it as a bit of rough.

No one wants to be sucked off by Andrew Bridgen, but them’s the rules. And of course there’s Jeremy Hunt. Get down there and do a good job on my balls. No kneeling on a cushion.

Nor have I forgotten the journalists saying it would be ‘a close-run thing’. Big f**king deal, I won. Chris Mason and Fiona Bruce, let’s see your heads bobbing away. Not Peston, he’d enjoy it too much.

Then there’s those booing crowds at St Paul’s. Ultimately you humiliated yourselves so get your gobs round my knob. Most of you voted for me anyway. On with it and don’t worry about putting your false teeth in.

Obviously I’ll be pretty spaffed out by this stage. I’ll have to keep drinking plenty of water and eating yoghurt, because I don’t want to let down one particular fellator: Sir Keir Starmer.

For weeks I’ve been listening to his sanctimonious crap about parties. I think we’d all welcome him shutting up for five minutes thanks to a mouthful of Boris meat.

And last? You, the British public. Wouldn’t shut up about Brexit, then the moment there’s a queue in an airport you’re moaning like bastards.

It’ll take months for you all to blow me but that’s not a problem. As you may have noticed, I’m not going anywhere.

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Am I to be damned forever for a single flaw? Johnson asks heavens

BORIS Johnson has lamented that a single error, committed multiple times over a year, seems set to blight his long and distinguished career of public service.

The prime minister, who hoped the country could see past one uncharacteristic mistake and focus instead on the many blessings his tireless efforts have showered upon Britain, admitted that it seems unfair a tiny flaw should be his undoing.

He said: “For one incidence of impetuosity I may be laid low. After years of honest, altruistic service in political office for my country, wielding the sword of truth in the just Conservative cause, is this how I am rewarded?

“Probity has been my watchword. Integrity, also. Marital fidelity. Good grooming and dapper appearance, another two. I am wracked with remorse for my lone sin. Yet all this counts for naught.

“When I think of how I have struggled in this life, pulling myself up by my bootstraps from fag to assistant captain of my house rugger team at Eton, the injustice of it all makes me wonder if there is a God at all.

“My father always told me, boy, though you are of but humble stock, be true and decent and put others first and you’ll go far in this world. Was he wrong?

“Are selflessness, dedication and merit not cherished in these benighted times? Will it be me today and tomorrow, who knows, Jacob Rees-Mogg?”