Sunak waits to see if Britain is that stupid

THE prime minister is eagerly awaiting opinion polls that will reveal whether Britain really is as cretinous as he hopes. 

Following the passing of a law ruling that Rwanda is safe, which does not make it actually safe, Rishi Sunak is nervously waiting to see if his gamble on the UK being a nation of easily-fooled racist morons has paid off.

He said: “Here we go. Fingers crossed the drooling subhumans fall for the whole ‘vanishing immigrants’ trick.

“Strictly speaking it’s Boris’s policy, dreamed up after we all got our Partygate fines because he fancied a positive headline or two, but estimating the unintelligence of the British public was always his strength. We just need it to work one last time.

“The flights leave in July, like your cattle-truck economy-class GreggsAir flights to Magaluf! It’s definitely going to happen! The deterrent will work and they’ll stop risking death!

“Come on, Britain. Don’t let me down. Be stupid.”

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Nothing but the courts, the opposition, the cost and a general election can stop me now, laughs power-mad Sunak

THE prime minister, drunk on power, has proudly declared that nothing except several very real hurdles now stand in the way of the Rwanda bill.

Having finally passed a law that will likely never come into effect and could easily be scuppered by several opposing forces, a maniacal Rishi Sunak has cackled that he essentially now has God-like power over the country’s borders.

The swivel-eyed prime minister said: “Everyone said the Rwanda plan would never happen. And it still hasn’t. But whatever, I feel like the king of the f**king world right now.

“All I’ve got to do is desperately cling to power for 12 weeks, scrape together a few hundred mill, and somehow outsmart the European Court of Human Rights. How hard can all that be? Nothing an awkward, last-minute press conference can’t deal with, surely.

“I’m already looking ahead to all the other mad, indefensible shit I’ll be doing once the first fleet of planes takes off. For starters I’ll replace tap water with Coke and exile everyone with anxiety or depression. Then it’s time to upgrade my job title. ‘Supreme Infallible Excellency Sunak’ has a nice ring to it.

“Just you wait. Compared to my plans to declare war on Wales and build a wall in the channel, the Rwanda bill will sound like a remarkably sane idea.”