The Brexiter's guide to why it's definitely not Brexit's fault

LORRY queues and empty supermarket shelves are happening as predicted, but they’re definitely nothing to do with Brexit. Leave voter Norman Steele explains: 

People are eating all the food

When people are stuck at home, a bit bored, what do they do? Have a snack. That’s the logical explanation for empty supermarket shelves – everyone’s having a nice cheese and Branston sandwich, with 20 carrots and three bottles of wine.

Remoaner sabotage

Remoaners are so keen to see Brexit fail they’re up in the dead of night changing roadsigns to send all the lorries to Kent. This is easily the most plausible reason for our so-called ‘Brexit problems’. They’ll be blowing up bridges next.

It’s the Pingdemic

Covid cases are up again which is why everyone in the food supply chain’s off sick. Some blame Boris Johnson, but we had no choice but to vote for him because otherwise we’d have Venezuelan socialism and empty shelves and food shortages.

Illegal immigrants are stopping traffic

Look at how many lorries are lined up. There’s hundreds, all full of food and hairdryers and stuff. But immigrants don’t respect the M20 any more than they respect the English Channel and are always darting across, making our HGV heroes brake and causing jams.

It’s normal to bring the army in

So what if the army has to deliver basic food supplies? It’s a totally everyday occurrence for them to help with floods, fire prevention, keeping public order by enforcing a shoot-on-sight curfew, arresting opposition leaders, that kind of thing. All major democracies do it.

‘Brexit has no downside, only a considerable upside’

There’s no way the top Brexiters would have lied about the benefits because they wanted to be prime minister, were on a lucrative grift or were loony anti-EU obsessives. That quote from David Davis MP sums it up, although you don’t hear that much from him these days. I wonder why?

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Preparing three meals a day too much f**king work, mum tells kids

A MOTHER has told her children that making three meals a day is just too much work for her so they are going down to two. 

Emma Bradford has two children, each of which has specific dietary wants, and informed them yesterday that they can either stop eating breakfast, lunch or dinner, but they are no longer getting all three.

She explained: “From the moment you wake up you expect me to feed your fat, greedy faces until you fall asleep. And it’s just not sustainable.

“It’s not just like I’m sticking ready meals in the microwave. You want bolognese without the bolognese, casserole without bits, pasta bake like Lily’s mum makes, sandwiches in squares, triangles, circles, the moon on a f**king cocktail stick.

“Now school’s not taking the strain, I’ve barely cleaned up after one before I’m beginning the next and I can no longer be arsed with it.

“So I’m afraid you’re losing a meal and I’m gaining three hours a day to do whatever I like with. Perhaps that’ll make you eat what’s on your bloody plates.”

Son Kayden said: “I asked about snacks, and she pointed at a dead mouse the cat left on the step and said ‘snack on that, dickface.’ So that’s fairly clear.”