How to piss off a minimum-wage worker

WANT to make someone’s life a misery? These pointers will make inflicting suffering on heroes of the pandemic who can’t answer back that much easier: 

Put stuff on the wrong shelf

Decided on your way to the checkout that you don’t want that £20 rack of ribs? Just dump it in the cereal aisle. Don’t worry about it not being refrigerated – some poor supermarket assistant can collect the now legally unsellable product and deal with it for you.

Split the bill ten different ways

Picture the scene: you’re out for a meal with friends. It’s late, all the other tables have left, and the waitress hands you the bill. Time to pass it round the whole group, and then a second time as you argue over whether Coleen eating six poppadoms means she technically had a starter.

Complain about the price of drinks

Where’s the joy in a pint if you can’t berate the bar staff about how much it costs? It’s surely them that set the prices, not some bloke at Greene King’s head office in Bury St Edmunds. If they try to explain, tell them you don’t like their attitude and demand to see the manager.

Order a needlessly complicated coffee

Speaking of overpriced beverages, why not nip into your local coffee shop and demand a three pump, triple shot, skinny double cream latte with vanilla syrup served extra hot? If they forget a single element of your three-page recipe you get the drink for free. That’s the law.

Piss cleaners about

The cleaner needs to do the kitchen, but why should you be inconvenienced? Stand by the office coffee machine for twenty minutes taking a pointless, meandering phone call. Don’t bother responding if she talks to you – anything you say will only be condescending and offensive because that’s the wanker you are.

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How to maintain your anti-vaccine stance in the face of a f**kload of evidence it's working

KEEN to double down on your mental vaccination theories while reality seems intent on proving them wrong? Try these gambits: 

It’s all about future population control

The success of the vaccine is a ruse. It’s designed to kill off huge swathes of the population at some unspecified point in the future. But because you’re unvaccinated you get to live on in an apocalyptic hellscape, beating a man to death with a can of beans in the ruins of Asda. Clever you.

Everyone else is brainwashed

Even though you’ve spent 18 months believing outlandish nonsense written by bored teenagers on obscure Reddit pages, it’s everyone else who’s brainwashed. No doubt by the ‘MSM’, which in your deranged delusions is controlled by George Soros and Ellen Degeneres.

Covid is no worse than the flu

Why vaccinate when Covid’s no worse than a bout of the flu? Well, you might want to ask the four million people worldwide who’ve died of it that. Or indeed ask yourself when you end up in hospital and realise that being wilfully dumb is very bad for your health.

Only social media knows the truth

Reputable news sources reporting too much positive news about the vaccine? Retreat to shadowy corners of YouTube and Twitter, where the true facts are provided by lunatics who found Qanon too mainstream. Did you know the Pfizer jab is reverse-engineered from alien DNA?

Get out there and protest

If all else fails, take to the streets with your fellow anti-vax pals and hit the seat of all power, like a former BBC studio that’s now luxury flats. Perhaps the utter ineptitude of your comrades will help you realise how f**king stupid you’re being. But it won’t.