Man undecided on whether to save humanity or save Geronimo the alpaca

A MAN is unable to decide whether it is more important to fight for the future of humanity or to fight for Geronimo the sad alpaca. 

Nathan Muir of Hitchin admits that the UN’s code red for climate extinction does worry him, but not with the same urgency as the plight of a poor alpaca that has done nothing to hurt anyone.

He continued: “The wildfires in Greece, and California, and Siberia are terrifying but ultimately quite far away and sort of cool, like an action movie.

“While Geronimo the alpaca is a lovely woolly fella who faces government execution for no greater crime than failing a test for bovine TB when he’s not even a cow so it doesn’t apply.

“People say ‘if we don’t act on climate change immediately tens of thousands of alpacas will die’ but when I ask their names they don’t even know them.

“They’ve been going on about this warming for ages, they can last a bit longer. Meanwhile if I don’t post frantically about Geronimo on social media this could be his final week. My course is clear.”

Muir has previously decided to postpone action on climate change for Cecil the lion in 2015, Phoenix the foot-and-mouth miracle calf in 2001, and the Tamworth Two in 1998.

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Student who got B at A-level branded total failure for rest of life

AN A-LEVEL student who received a B grade in further maths will be regarded as a complete and utter failure forever. 

18-year-old Joshua Hudson got A* grades in maths and physics and an A in English literature but shamed his college and family with the B grade which condemns him to a lifetime of scorn and ridicule from everyone he meets.

He said: “My parents have been in touch. They’ve told me not to come home because I am no longer their son. I understand.

“I’ve already abandoned my hopes and dreams and retired myself to a life of misery and mindless toil. And all because I got a B which secures my place at the University of Warwick.

“Even if I get a first-class degree, future employers will take one look at my A-level results, scrunch up my CV, and chuck it in the bin while howling with laughter. And they’ll be right to do so.

“My only hope is to claim I’m 21, that I achieved a B in 2018 when it was perfectly respectable to to do then served three years in prison for manslaughter. Nobody will judge me for that.”

Former girlfriend Grace Wood-Morris said: “They should brand the B on his forehead so he can never re-enter society. The thick twat.”