A COMPREHENSIVE survey of people who eat has concluded that no matter what the healthy say, a piece of fruit is in no way a dessert.
Persistent claims that substituting an orange for ice-cream or a slice of melon for cake is acceptable have been overturned by millions who have tried it once and declared it total bullshit.
Professor Henry Brubaker, of the Institute for Studies, said: “Several scientific studies have warned of the dangers of refined sugar, and that eradicating this from the diet unlocks taste buds to the natural, delicious sweetness of fruit. These people are chatting pure shite.
“According to dietary science, fruit cannot be a treat. Fruit is the food group that you suffer through in order to enjoy the nice bits, like a Flake, a Twirl, a bag of Maltesers or all three.
“Granted, some fruits seem deceptively treat-like. To some even a mango can even feel indulgent. However, we urge these twats to seek out cookie dough ice cream, eat that, then see if they find any joy in a mango.
“If you yourself are struggling with thinking fruit is a f**king dessert, please speak to your doctor about being prescribed a Terry’s Chocolate Orange.”