PRINCE Andrew has defended himself against charges of sexual abuse by asserting that for three years he was solely resident in a Surrey pizza restaurant.
In answer to a civil lawsuit filed in the US, the Duke of York claimed that he entered the premises of Pizza Express in the town on February 1st, 2000 and found it so congenial he stayed for a further 35 months.
He continued: “As a member of the Royal Family I am of course entitled to do whatever I like, so after a particularly spicy Diavolo I sat back, looked around and decided this would be my new home.
“It had everything – chairs, servants, food, a space above the restaurant used for storage and administrative purposes which I repurposed, with the aid of a sleeping bag from Millets, as my bedchamber.
“The staff adapted marvellously to becoming members of a Royal household, bringing my breakfast of dough balls, my lunchtime pizzas and my hourly carafes of wine, commenting admiringly on my manners and my uncommmon ability to never break a sweat.
“I met my daughters here, fulfilled my role as a trade envoy from table 18, sampled everything on the menu and generally enjoyed the happiest years of my life, until I suddenly got bored and left.”
He added: “Nobody can prove whether or not any photographs of me elsewhere, or indeed camera footage, have been doctored. They can do that now. I was always in Woking.”