IS your working environment calm, serene and productive? Bollocks to that. Add panic and stress to everyone’s working day with these tips:
Always enforce process
In a position that’s really stupendously unimportant? Make yourself universally loathed by setting up a formal process for everything from dentist visits to replacing a laptop cable. No, you can’t grant that request because it isn’t in writing from your line manager. It’s not you, it’s the process.
Get in a flap about minor things
You asked everyone not to modify cells A-H of the Excel budget spreadsheet, but someone’s edited it. Phone your busiest boss, then call a meeting about it, then schedule individual refresher training sessions on editing the spreadsheet reinforcing that no-one should do it ever, unless they are a) you or b) God.
Freak out about anything senior management asks
Someone Important wants an update? By when? In what format? You solemnly vow not to sleep or let any inch of the calendar go unused until spiral-bound colour print-outs are delivered to everyone involved. Even if it’s just that head-of-finance knob asking about purchase orders.
Transmit panic effectively
With a little bit of effort you can convey panic via emphatic use of all three alarm-inducing tactics: exclamation marks, capital letters and bold font. Mark everything urgent for good measure. If you can find some bizarre Outlook setting that also turns the message preview red, you can retire happy.
Let no event go un-meetinged
Never have a chat when a meeting will do. In particular, insist that 20 people need to attend something pointless about budgets from 4pm to 5pm on a Friday. After that it’s time to sit back, take a breath and enjoy the heady risk of burnout.