The gammon's guide to coping with Brexit not happening

WITH Brexit looking increasingly unlikely, how can gammons fill the gaping void in their lives? Here devoted Brexiter Roy Hobbs explains his coping strategies.

Find new things to be furious about

Hating the EU has given me a lot of pleasure over the years, but now it’s time to move on. Instead I’m getting angry about:

● Dole scroungers. I’ve seriously neglected this important issue since the referendum.

● Students. Their PC ‘no platforming’ and bollocks transgender studies degrees make my blood boil. Which is good.

● Garden birds. A bunch of freeloaders, if you ask me.

Occupy your time with new hobbies and interests

Try watercolours or learn to play an instrument. I’m getting pretty good at ‘Rule Britannia’ on the clarinet, although my wife says practising it three hours a day is excessive. I always knew she was a Remainer at heart.

Be glad you don’t have to watch BBC Question Time

With Brexit off the table, there’s little point in watching Question Time, which is bloody tedious even with other gammons cheering every facile pro-Brexit comment as if it’s one of Churchill’s finest speeches.

Build your own ‘Brexit Britain’ at home

If Theresa May won’t deliver Brexit, build your own one in the loft! I’ve created a delightful 1950s miniature English village with local shops and figures of happy people I’ve hand-painted myself. Just remember to buy plenty of white paint.

Alternatively, go back to the past by turning down the colour on your TV so it’s in black and white and only reading the Daily Express.

Just never stop banging on about Brexit

The upside of Brexit being stuffed is that you can keep ranting on about it without ever being confronted by the unpleasant reality. WE SHOULD HAVE GOT OUT WHILE WE HAD THE CHANCE!

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Julian Assange's Rough Guide to Ecuador

HELLO there. As a full-time resident of Ecuador for the last seven years I know it intimately, from the fertile sweep of its second-floor kitchen to the stupendous views from its balcony. 

Here’s my guide to that small, but beautiful, country.

The bedroom

Let’s begin at the very heart of Ecuador and the location I kept returning to during my sojourn there, the bedroom. Thickly-carpeted, with a balmy centrally-heated climate and wonderfully traditional sash windows, it’s the perfect base for anyone staying in this proud nation. Don’t forget to sample the wonderful wi-fi.

The upstairs hallway

More adventurous travellers will be naturally drawn to the wide open space and licence to roam given by the upstairs hallway. There’s a wealth of attractions for the explorer, from plug sockets to the stunning, limpid blue spectacle of the life-giving water cooler.

The kitchenette

This is how Ecuador feeds itself; 16 square feet of naturally-occurring abundance. These cupboards and in particular the marvellous fridge simply fill themselves with all manner of delicious local delicacies, from Rustlers burgers to multipacks of Monster Munch. And don’t worry, the natives don’t mind you helping yourself.

The bathroom

Ecuador’s equivalent of Venezuela’s famous Angel Falls, this stark but hospitable locale is justly famous for its shower, which all the locals recommended to me daily. If you wedge yourself down between the toilet and the bath, you can see rainbows in the spray. Breathtaking.

The broom cupboard

Really off the beaten track, this is recommended for experienced travellers only. I personally spent a great deal of time here in 2016, taking calls from members of Trump’s campaign, Nigel Farage or Vladimir Putin, and once memorably took Baywatch actress Pamela Anderson on a date here.

The balcony

On the very edge of Ecuadorian territory with views into neighbouring Knightsbridge, this one’s really for the tourists. I didn’t bother with it much. I was worried I might get pulled off with a big hook.