Saturday, 15th August 2020

The gammon's guide to coping with Brexit not happening

WITH Brexit looking increasingly unlikely, how can gammons fill the gaping void in their lives? Here devoted Brexiter Roy Hobbs explains his coping strategies.

Find new things to be furious about

Hating the EU has given me a lot of pleasure over the years, but now it’s time to move on. Instead I’m getting angry about:

● Dole scroungers. I’ve seriously neglected this important issue since the referendum.

● Students. Their PC ‘no platforming’ and bollocks transgender studies degrees make my blood boil. Which is good.

● Garden birds. A bunch of freeloaders, if you ask me.

Occupy your time with new hobbies and interests

Try watercolours or learn to play an instrument. I’m getting pretty good at ‘Rule Britannia’ on the clarinet, although my wife says practising it three hours a day is excessive. I always knew she was a Remainer at heart.

Be glad you don’t have to watch BBC Question Time

With Brexit off the table, there’s little point in watching Question Time, which is bloody tedious even with other gammons cheering every facile pro-Brexit comment as if it’s one of Churchill’s finest speeches.

Build your own ‘Brexit Britain’ at home

If Theresa May won’t deliver Brexit, build your own one in the loft! I’ve created a delightful 1950s miniature English village with local shops and figures of happy people I’ve hand-painted myself. Just remember to buy plenty of white paint.

Alternatively, go back to the past by turning down the colour on your TV so it’s in black and white and only reading the Daily Express.

Just never stop banging on about Brexit

The upside of Brexit being stuffed is that you can keep ranting on about it without ever being confronted by the unpleasant reality. WE SHOULD HAVE GOT OUT WHILE WE HAD THE CHANCE!