The Tory guide to dentistry for scum who can't afford to go private

BRITONS are finding it impossible to sign up with an NHS dentist. That’ll teach you to do better at school and go private, says health minister Steve Barclay. Here’s his dental advice:

Halloween vampire teeth are just as good

Get some Dracula teeth and glue them in place with Bostik. Yes, you’re going to look stupid with fangs, but perhaps that will remind you not to dick around at school and fail your GCSEs, which is the only cause of poverty in the UK.

Ask yourself: do I really need teeth? 

If it hurts to chew, simply move to a diet of soup, blancmange and ketchup. If you must eat one of your loathsome ‘Maccie Ds’, add water and turn it into a sloppy paste with a blender. If you don’t have a blender, get a friend with teeth to chew it for you first. Birds do it all the time.

Get Jaws teeth

The James Bond villain, not the shark. Probably all you need is a Black & Decker workmate, some basic tools like a hacksaw, and a metal spatula to fashion into massive metal teeth. You’ll even be able to joke you’ve got ‘film star’s teeth’, although try not to scare children.

Get a friend to be your dentist 

Qualified dentists are unnecessary when one of your tracksuited friends can have a go at the rotten teeth with some pliers. The fact is the government can’t keep giving handouts to the socialist NHS, so maybe your friend will do a hip replacement for you in the future.

Your teeth will fix themselves

Your body will fight back against tooth decay with a process known as them ‘falling out’. This will hurt but you deserve everything you get because you chose a cushy life on benefits instead of a well-paid job in finance. Speed up the process by never brushing your teeth and only eating sweets, although you probably do this anyway.

Make dentures with corpses’ teeth

This is a fine old British tradition, popular after the Battle of Waterloo, when dead soldiers’ teeth were in plentiful supply. Obviously there aren’t dead bodies just lying around now, but it’ll do you good to get down to the cemetery with a spade and learn the meaning of hard graft.

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Which football team you support basically horoscopes for men

MEN who scoff at star signs believe they can know a person’s entire character based on what football team they support.

Fans who dismiss the idea that being a Pisces might make someone more romantic or prone to mood swings are convinced they can interpret the inner workings of other blokes purely based on what colour shirt they wear on match day.

Lifelong Wolves fan Tom Logan said: “Spurs fans tend to be cold-hearted. They’ve got a steely-eyed ambition that doesn’t leave much room for emotion, which is good because they haven’t won a trophy since 2008.

“Bournemouth supporters, on the other hand, are creative, hopeful and optimistic to a fault. They have to be really, because they’re not going to top the league in a million years.

“Wolves supporters, like me, are the most loyal, kind and generous people out there. We sometimes let our feelings get the better of us, which can lead to starting a fight in a pub after the game. But that’s just because we’re passionate.

“Horoscopes though? They’re complete and utter bollocks. You can’t generalise about millions of people like that. That’s mad.”

He added: “Oh, I should say, West Brom fans are all twats.”